It's a dry cold

That is what I keep hearing. Oh yes it might get to -40 or -50 below but it is a dry cold. For those of you who are confused about the differences between a dry cold and a wet cold, that is why I am here. To help you, as we explore those differences between the two types of climate so that when you are through with this blog you have a deeper understanding and when it comes up at the dinner table or cocktail parties you will have a wealth of information to delight your friends and families with as you are sitting down to a fine Scottish meal of haggis.
First let us look a wet cold. The picture below is descriptive of what happens to someone from the Northwest who accidentally falls into a glacier and isn't recovered for several years. Why he would be wearing a lab coat while hiking on a glacier is beyond me but this is what you would look like.
Ok to be truthful this would never happen. A wet cold involves gallons and gallons of rain being poured over you for 6 months. To perk up people in the Northwest they have different names for rain, it could, sprinkle, shower, mist, steady showers, occasional showers and steady it's going to rain forever so buck up and shut up rain. Since it has been raining for over 30 days in Seattle and Vancouver I hear that the Christian Republican controlled mega churches have been suggesting their people build or buy an ark, ark = yacht. Because we all know that satan is walking the earth and pretty soon a bunch of people will just poof disappear and go to heaven and then, then when that happens the democrats will have a chance to control the congress and the presidency.

The one good thing about the constant exposure to moisture is that it keeps you very hydrated, or plump with water. No people from the northwest don't have mold growing on them or have webbed feet. But studies have shown that after a few generations of living in the northwest you start to resemble this guy in yellow. The other guy, well his name is Patrick and he is a total stoner so bad roll model for children.

So what have we learned so far? Seattle is full of mega church loving republicans with yachts, it rains a lot and Patrick is a stoner starfish. Also Seattle has both the honors of having the more depressed people then other areas in the United States unless you include a trailer park in Oklahoma that just got wiped out by a tornado, now they are depressed and Seattle also is proud to have more famous and proficient serial killers then any other state. So if you are suicidal just move to Seattle and wait, I am sure there is a serial killer out there waiting to help you out.

Now we move on to what's up with this dry cold crap. After being heavily moisturized by the rains of the Northwest I move up here where you have to take a drink of water to get enough water in your system to sneeze. When they say dry they mean it by gosh and by golly it's dry. I was told by some very attractive and moisturized gay men who had moved from Regina to Vancouver that if you live here it is all about staying lubricated or did they say moisturized? I am sure they meant body lotion and I really didn't want to get any further clarification on it, so I just assumed that is what they meant. But it is true. This winter I thought that like my dog I was growing a winter coat on my legs. I was shaving every single day soon to realize that it wasn't hair I was shaving off but the epidermis which is the scientific term for your first layer of skin. I mean I was itching like crazy and I mean scratching like I had hives. I couldn't figure out why I itched so bad. I mean I am a clean person, I haven't changed my crystal meth dealer since I moved here, so like what is up with this crap. Then it came to me, I haven't been slathering myself with the lotion.

Switching to Udderly Moo has worked wonders for me. I say if it is good enough to keep a cow's teet soft then it's good enough for me.

In doing my research on a dry cold and as a warning to all you people who are thinking about moving to Regina and I know there are a bunch of you. Maybe 6 of you. If you don't use the lotion you could end up looking like this young couple.


One winter they were foolish enough to run out of moisturizer and didn't use from the time of the Farm Report on Sunday to Polkarama on the following Friday and well this picture says it all.

You think this is funny? This is serious business - this young couple dried up faster then a over cooked pirogi at Ukrainian dinner party and smelled somewhat like a cabbage roll when they were found.

Also to be noted is if you are going to dry up and be discovered by your family don't sleep nude like this gentlemen did.

Well that's all from Regina.

Claudia