Can you tell the difference between a U.S. Dog and a Canadian Dog?

It really is a very simple test. All I ask you to do is look at the pictures, study them carefully and think to yourself, which dog represents the Bush, right wing conservative, attack poor countries for what they have regime and which dog represents a somewhat friendly, extremely polite, not really trying to pick on others, maybe a bit protective of their oil and natural gas reserves for fear that if they don't watch out the US will attack and take away what is rightfully theirs dog.

If you are still confused let me simplify it for you. If the dog is staring at you with demon eyes, usually looks friendly, not the smartest dog on the block but has been known to kill a cat or two, squirrel and ok one sparrow but it was a slow sparrow for God's sake would you think that might be an United States Born and Bred dog?

Or if the dog has lab like, well is a lab if you want be to be specific, was raised by cats in a somewhat liberal household, just loves about everyone and those that she doesn't particularly like she pretends she does and well damn she doesn't have many things to call her own but those toys are hers damn-it and she doesn't want to offend anyone and of course if asked will share but until then she will just mind her own business would you consider that an Canadian Born and Bred dog?

It's a dry cold

That is what I keep hearing. Oh yes it might get to -40 or -50 below but it is a dry cold. For those of you who are confused about the differences between a dry cold and a wet cold, that is why I am here. To help you, as we explore those differences between the two types of climate so that when you are through with this blog you have a deeper understanding and when it comes up at the dinner table or cocktail parties you will have a wealth of information to delight your friends and families with as you are sitting down to a fine Scottish meal of haggis.
First let us look a wet cold. The picture below is descriptive of what happens to someone from the Northwest who accidentally falls into a glacier and isn't recovered for several years. Why he would be wearing a lab coat while hiking on a glacier is beyond me but this is what you would look like.
Ok to be truthful this would never happen. A wet cold involves gallons and gallons of rain being poured over you for 6 months. To perk up people in the Northwest they have different names for rain, it could, sprinkle, shower, mist, steady showers, occasional showers and steady it's going to rain forever so buck up and shut up rain. Since it has been raining for over 30 days in Seattle and Vancouver I hear that the Christian Republican controlled mega churches have been suggesting their people build or buy an ark, ark = yacht. Because we all know that satan is walking the earth and pretty soon a bunch of people will just poof disappear and go to heaven and then, then when that happens the democrats will have a chance to control the congress and the presidency.

The one good thing about the constant exposure to moisture is that it keeps you very hydrated, or plump with water. No people from the northwest don't have mold growing on them or have webbed feet. But studies have shown that after a few generations of living in the northwest you start to resemble this guy in yellow. The other guy, well his name is Patrick and he is a total stoner so bad roll model for children.

So what have we learned so far? Seattle is full of mega church loving republicans with yachts, it rains a lot and Patrick is a stoner starfish. Also Seattle has both the honors of having the more depressed people then other areas in the United States unless you include a trailer park in Oklahoma that just got wiped out by a tornado, now they are depressed and Seattle also is proud to have more famous and proficient serial killers then any other state. So if you are suicidal just move to Seattle and wait, I am sure there is a serial killer out there waiting to help you out.

Now we move on to what's up with this dry cold crap. After being heavily moisturized by the rains of the Northwest I move up here where you have to take a drink of water to get enough water in your system to sneeze. When they say dry they mean it by gosh and by golly it's dry. I was told by some very attractive and moisturized gay men who had moved from Regina to Vancouver that if you live here it is all about staying lubricated or did they say moisturized? I am sure they meant body lotion and I really didn't want to get any further clarification on it, so I just assumed that is what they meant. But it is true. This winter I thought that like my dog I was growing a winter coat on my legs. I was shaving every single day soon to realize that it wasn't hair I was shaving off but the epidermis which is the scientific term for your first layer of skin. I mean I was itching like crazy and I mean scratching like I had hives. I couldn't figure out why I itched so bad. I mean I am a clean person, I haven't changed my crystal meth dealer since I moved here, so like what is up with this crap. Then it came to me, I haven't been slathering myself with the lotion.

Switching to Udderly Moo has worked wonders for me. I say if it is good enough to keep a cow's teet soft then it's good enough for me.

In doing my research on a dry cold and as a warning to all you people who are thinking about moving to Regina and I know there are a bunch of you. Maybe 6 of you. If you don't use the lotion you could end up looking like this young couple.


One winter they were foolish enough to run out of moisturizer and didn't use from the time of the Farm Report on Sunday to Polkarama on the following Friday and well this picture says it all.

You think this is funny? This is serious business - this young couple dried up faster then a over cooked pirogi at Ukrainian dinner party and smelled somewhat like a cabbage roll when they were found.

Also to be noted is if you are going to dry up and be discovered by your family don't sleep nude like this gentlemen did.

Well that's all from Regina.

Claudia

Hockey

This I found from on the internet
Always protect your brain! Wear your hockey helmet whether playing on the ice, floor or road. Remember…"Don't Use Your Brains for Brakes!!" Clever phrase I have a better one, ice is slippery don't go on it with shoes that have sharp little pieces of metal on the bottom.
Hockey Facts:
Playing recreational hockey on the ice, in the gym, or on the street is a great way to develop physical and social skills while building self-confidence. I find that having several concussions always improves your social skills. With all the benefits of hockey, people often forget about the risks of injury from falls onto the hard floor, street or ice. People forget the risks because of all the brain injuries from falling on the ice.
Statistics from the Children's Hospital of Eastern Ontario (2001) identified 522 emergency room visits from injuries sustained while playing ice or ball hockey. Males suffered ninety-one percent of the injuries. Players between the ages 10-14 were at highest risk for injury (58 per cent), followed by teens between the ages of 15-19 (30 per cent). The most common injuries were fractures of the forearm, clavicle, and lower leg, followed by head injuries. Stephen Harper we believe didn't use a helmet because he thought it was gay to protect his brain.
By planning it safe, everyone can enjoy the benefits of playing hockey all year round, and reduce the risk of injuries.
Safe Hockey tips:
Fact: Even coaches and experienced hockey players can fall and hit their head on the ice or road surface. Act: Save your brains! Unless you are a conservative and then hell you don't use them anyway. Wear a CSA approved hockey helmet that fits snugly and buckle up the strap. Hockey helmets are designed to withstand multiple impacts. Or I don't know - stay off the ice.
Fact: People are often less concerned about injury during recreational and friendly games of hockey.Act: Injuries can happen to anyone, anytime, any place. In addition to a helmet, an appropriate face mask and mouth guard helps prevent head and facial injuries. Or, let's see stay off the ice
Fact: It is easy to trip or fall while skating, blading or running too fast. Act: Learn the basic skills, such as stopping, falling and getting up. Or understand that ice is very, very slippery and you should stay away from it at all costs

Sidewalks and Jack Rabbits

Not to continue on with my obsession with winter, sidewalks and rodents and maybe a titch of cabin fever. But the other day who did I see using a sidewalk that I shoveled? A human, hell the fuck no

But this guy. Not this guy exactly and he might have been a she for all I know and well the rabbit wasn't just a drawing because then you all would know that I was having issues with cabin fever

but looked something like this . Except in a off white sweater.









This picture below is someone with a really bad case of Cabin Fever or is just a blood thirsty rabbit killing SOB who is so impressed by his ability to kill the ONLY CREATURES IN REGINA WHO USE THE DAMN SIDEWALK IN FRONT OF MY DAMN HOUSE.

I wonder if he had them stuffed and put in his den along with assorted other rodents that he has killed like the vicious kangaroo rat (see previous post where kangaroo rats will eat their young, so if you are a young kangaroo rat and are reading this post, don't piss off your mother).

Cabin Fever

cabin fever
Distress or anxiety caused by prolonged confinement in a small or remote place, as in We've been snowed in for a week and everyone has cabin fever. Originating in the West, this term at first alluded to being penned up in a remote cabin during a long winter but has since been applied more broadly. [Late 1800s]

Having been here in Regina for the past 5 months and experienced my first winter in the prairies, though if you talk to anyone who was raised here they would say it has been very mild. Strangely they say this in a rather disappointed voice, because boy when I first moved here and people found out I was new everywhere I went people would say. Oh ya think it is cold now eh? (no they actually talk like this sometimes) just wait until January when it is 47 below, now that is some cold weather. Then they laugh, a sinister laugh I would say and there always seemed that music should have been playing as they told me about January in Regina. You know what kind of music I mean, you know the same music that is used when the slutty cheerleader who has slept with the captain of the football team in the horror films decides to take the flashlight whose batteries are almost dead to go into the basement where they find... yep you guessed it Stephen Harper and the straight laced, humourless wearing we love Bush t-shirts Conservative party.

To be honest I do blame Cabin Fever for the conservatives getting voted in I mean what other reason is there?

Oh yeah and most people who tell me to fear the January all book out of Canada and go to Mexico. They mostly come back from Mexico looking something like this: Well not exactly looking like Jack here but the colour is somewhat the same. You know remembering to add "u" all these words is a bit of a pisser.

Not that I am bitter about other going to Mexico or other places where the Canadian dollar will go farther. Nope not me I am just fine watching the salt slowly eat away at my car. Another reason to move to Canada - not one slug up here.

Just to help those of you out who wonder am I getting cabin fever or not let me clue you in on a few signs that will give you a heads up on it.

1. You start understanding the character that Jack plays in the Shining. I mean you really do, in fact you put the pictures up everywhere you can.
2. You become outraged that Pamela Anderson has not be awarded an Oscar, even though she has been in only one film where she wore more leather the all of the S&M crowd on a Saturday Night in San Francisco combined.
3. You have the grinder on the kitchen table and spend like too much time keeping those knives, swords, axes and spears sharp.
4. You start to remodel your house because you are tired of staring at the same 4 walls. Though you find using your fists to knock out the drywall is hard on your nails.
5. You don't find how the canadians speak quite so cute and endearing anymore.
6. You cry watching American Idol, Wife Swap, Canadian Idol and the election of the conservatives to power.
7. You fixate on Stephen Harper and wonder who in the hell stole his upper lip.
8. You start believing the cats are throwing shit out the cat box and coughing up fur balls just to drive you batty.
9. The snow - yep it was really pretty the first couple months - now it's got dog crap, spit out gum, dirt and you are beginning to pray for a good blizzard to clean things up again.
10. You start driving 60 khm an hour in a 50 khm zone just to live on the edge.

Not saying that I have cabin fever, I don't though for some reason I can't get rid of one of the pictures that I put up on this blog.


Oh yeah and here is Stephen Harper for those of you who didn't see him in Brokeback Mountain - see no frigging upper lip.

Lemmings and Pedestrian myths debunked

In doing research for this piece on the relationship of the suicidal tendencies of Lemmings vs. the Regina pedestrians I came upon some information that was not only disturbing but has destroyed my trust in the Disney Company and all of their affiliates. As a child growing up in Washington State it was a special event to have a movie shown to the elementary children. These movies sometimes involved a story about a little french boy and his close relationship with a Red Balloon or in this instance it was about the wild animals of the north. You know it was one of those stories with that kindly voice over of some white guy talking about oh look at how that fox runs to chase the rabbit, oh darn Mr. Fox maybe next time you will get that darn rabbit. As I remember we never saw anyone dying except for these poor little lemmings. In this film we saw hundreds of lemmings throwing themselves off a cliff into the sea and dying. This of course was a ploy by the pet stores who sold all manners of small furry rat type things and like the lemming many of us, me included, demanded to own a lemming or a hamster, guinea pig, kangaroo rat to save them of course from some forced suicide march to their death. For our kangaroo rats this might have been a better option then having them eat their young, which they did because we went away on a back packing trip and forgot to tell someone to feed them. But that is another story that will probably be debunked by my mother, though it is true, along with the time when I wanted to be a veterinarian and put one of our sick roosters into a box to heal it. Having a messy bedroom and a short attention span I soon forgot about the sick rooster and we once again went on a back packing trip. To come back with bloated black flies, flying around my bedroom and a smell wafting from the room that had nothing to do with dirty socks, made me realize that, I shouldn't shove crap under my bed as a way to keep my room clean and two that I shouldn't be a veterinarian.

But back to the lemmings and what this has to do with Canada. In the movie as I stated we saw hundreds of these furry little bastards flying to their death. In reality this is what happened, this comes from http://www.abc.net.au/science/k2/moments/s1081903.htm - now why they would spend so much time debunking lemming suicides is beyond me but I found it fascinating, especially this part:

The myth of mass lemming suicide began when the Walt Disney movie, Wild Wilderness was released in 1958. It was filmed in Alberta, Canada, far from the sea and not a native home to lemmings. So the filmmakers imported lemmings, by buying them from Inuit children. The migration sequence was filmed by placing the lemmings on a spinning turntable that was covered with snow, and then shooting it from many different angles. The cliff-death-plunge sequence was done by herding the lemmings over a small cliff into a river. It's easy to understand why the filmmakers did this - wild animals are notoriously uncooperative, and a migration-of-doom followed by a cliff-of-death sequence is far more dramatic to show than the lemmings' self-implemented population-density management plan.

Obviously in this film their was no disclaimer about "no animals were hurt or injured in the producing of this film" Evil Disney bastards and is it no wonder that this is where the distrust of the United States started I ask you?

Well after reading this I was as dismayed as probably you that this occurred. For me it was for different reasons. I mean come on those lemmings died before I was born and I was trying to make a witty comparison to furry rats of the north and the pedestrians who walk the streets of Regina.


So I will just quickly finish this blog because well Disney fucked me over long before I was born and thanks just a whole lot for screwing up what would have been a really funny blog, but now it will turn into another confused and rambling rant about my relationship with the community of individuals up here who choose to call themselves Pedestrians.

Those few from the United States who read this blog (thank you mother and Karyn I do not live in the 80's you are so on my piss off list right now, it used to be my shit list but being in Canada I learning to be oh so polite) need to understand the crisis I am in every day and why I have had to increase my anti anxiety meds after having moved up here. In the states, we are taught many things that I believe are useful to survive. They are: 1) Look both ways before you cross a street, 2) sidewalks were created for you the pedestrian to walk on and if I am going to drag my ass outside in -19 degrees to shovel "my part of the sidewalk that runs in front of my house" then don't you dare walk in the street, see sidewalk humans, streets for car, pretty simple eh? 3) no matter what your body mass index is my Toyota 4-runner weighs more then you and can take you down 4) if Saskatchewan wants to have a population of a million people then I suggest the politicians take notice of this blog and suggest that ya quit pissing me off.

I mean sure in the states their is this stupid law that pedestrians have the right of way, but whatever, they understand that we don't really mean it, in the same what that we don't mean that if you are elected president you actually get to become president. Up here they take it seriously. People honestly think that if they walk out onto a pedestrian marked walkway with blinking red lights and the such that I am supposed to slow down and in some cases stop for them. No not swerve so they can feel the hot fumes from my exhaust pipe burning their legs but stop.

If that wasn't bad enough (this is where the lemming part comes in) they just assume and will dart out like a jackrabbit without looking both ways and I am required by law to slam on my brakes with snow and ice on the street and not nudge them a bit. Sometimes it is one or two, sometimes it is a herd of them just walking like they have a right to be there.

So you see there is no way that I can pull this entire blog together unless I say that the Disney company is putting these poor pedestrians on some spinning contraption and tossing them out into the street just to drive me to insanity. In conclusion all that I can say is the reason is there are so few serial killers up here in Saskatchewan is the ground is frozen which makes a shallow grave near on impossible and even this far north the snows do melt and what evils you do in the winter will be discovered in the thaws of the spring.

Disclaimer

The writer of this blog doesn't have anything personal against Jack Rabbits or those who wear Camo. Her and her dog Stella are talking again.

She still finds to George W. Bush to be in idiot and thinks Canada's version of George W Bush Stephen Harper to be scarier the Pamela Anderson's acting ability.

Camouflage Is it effective?

Let me start out this post is about camouflage fashion and when to wear it. I am not saying I know shit about fashion, because I recently learned on a Oprah show that no one should be wearing jeans with tapered legs and when they said no one, they mean no one. I learned this on the day that we were traveling up to Saskatoon to meet my partners friends. What to do? Add material to the bottom of the jeans to flair them out and go for that hippie look that is always so well hip. Or do I rip out the crotch of the jeans, sew them up with another pair of my fucking tapered leg jeans, make an attractive Mennonite skirt out the material, change my religion, which is saying that I am connected to a church, I'm not and as of yet no missionaries have been knocking on my door. Well you can't include the Seventh Day Adventists or the Mormons, cause, to put this kindly they aren't all that picky and will take anyone who is breathing, hell the Mormons will baptise you after you are dead if you didn't get around to because of your busy schedule. Then I realized to become a Mennonite in good standing I would have to put my hair up in a bun like those Mennonite folks and not wear make up or swear, which means I would have have to cut down on talking and marry a guy and have children and live on a farm and grow my own food while giving birth as we built a barn for our cows and it just seemed a bit too much work for a first visit to Saskatoon. So I put on my now evil, I hate you with a fashion fucking tapered jeans that make you look like shit got in the car and prayed that others had not seen this particular show because if they had then they would snicker behind my back as visited. Realizing my thinking process was wrong because I am in Canada and that is totally impolite to for people to snicker behind your back I felt better.

Yes I know there were like a bunch of run on sentences in the above paragraph and I am sure some people, ok the 3 that read this are cringing but this is emotional and important stuff, so suck it up and continue with the story.

Now back to my original post about camouflage. I don't know how to put this kindly so I won't because I am from the United States and we are known for sticking our foot in our mouths on a regular basis, unless you are George Bush where it is difficult to put his own foot in his mouth since he has his head up his ass and it would be physically impossible to have your head up your ass while sticking your foot in your mouth and anyway Karl Rove's foot and Cheney's is already there so it would be a tight fit.

Camouflage is a clothing that is green in nature unless you live in the desert or are going to war on a nation that is mostly desert with lots of oil and then it is appropriate to wear the sand toned camo. In fact it is necessary otherwise you would stick out like a palm tree in the middle of the desert and every camel within a hundred mile radius would running towards you hoping you had water. And you don't want that.

Camouflage is used also for hunting. People who are wearing green camo after the Thanksgiving are, well, how to put this, tacky. Not that people who wear shit loads of camo really give a rats ass about fashion but just an FY fucking I dudes and dudettes. Take it from the jack rabbits. When the snow falls you should be switching to your fashionable white camo gear. Cause you are kind of sticking out wearing all that green when on the prairie everything is covered in you know - snow.

Now about jack rabbits whose coats turn white. They do this so as not to attract the attention of birds of prey, wolves, coyotes and my fucking dog named Stella. So this goes out to all you goddamn white jack rabbits. If you don't want to attract the attention that involves blood and your entrails going from your inside to your outside. Try and get rid of the the stupid black marks on the top of the ears. Sure you don't want to be like everyone else. But let me tell you you stupid little hopping things. First of all, what in the hell are you doing out on a frozen lake in the first place. That is all frigging white mind you. Second of all. Because of your stupid black tips on those cute little stupid ears of your, my dog Stella who doesn't understand about Frozen lakes yet and takes off across the stupid frozen lake after you and your stupid black tipped ears. I on the other hand am wearing snow boots a winter coat, a toque, some neck gaiter and glasses that keep fogging up because I am trying to run through these frozen snow drifts screaming STELLA, STELLA, you stupid sumofabitch dog (this is no Jack London story) with of course my no one should be wearing, stupid, man I hate Oprah, tapered jeans.

Lucky for me Stella can't run as fast as those big bouncy bastards can run and skidded more times that ran, so she lost the rabbit in the snow and came back to me and sat down and tried to lick her paws because well they got frozen on the ice.

Listen buster I said to her, don't complain to me about frozen paws I have already stuck a piece of metal to my lips and ripped the skin off, so since I did that to myself and you did what you did to yourself and made me run looking really stupid in my fuck you Oprah tapered jeans. I don't want to hear another word out of you.

Then I made sure we walked on the freshly salted roads to make sure she understood how I felt about this "walk". You might think that is cruel walking on the salted road. WELL listen, I ate potato chips after ripping the skin off my lips and you didn't hear me complain did ya?

Didn't think so.

Cross Country Skiing

I just finished my 3rd adventure on cross country skis. Not that walking two blocks to our local park is considered an adventure unless you are me and couldn't make it on the special olympics team with my inability to reason with gravity. Some people you see skiing and you think how graceful as they pass you by in that beautiful long legged nordic kind of movement that makes you think of Swan Lake on skis. Then there are people like me that when people see you coming they do this strange contortion which involves them opening up their arms as if you were their 80 year old grandmother who just got a hip replacement their feet become firmly planted and a look of either sheer pity or terror freezes on their polite canadian faces depending on how much you are flailing your arms and if the tips of your poles are really really sharp. I have seen both and I want to apologize right now to that group of kindergarteners that I mowed over the other day. Hey is it my fault the have small legs and can't move fast?

On my second adventure on skis I found that I have the unique ability to fall down going uphill on the flat or just standing not moving. Anyone can fall down going down a hill, I mean what does that take? But to fall just putting on my skis that is a talent that should not be ignored.

Today on my third trip skiing I only fell down once. I would like now to issue a warning to anyone else who skis on the trail that I do. I find no humour in having a ski hill - though slight, ok it's hardly an incline I mean if you put a ball at the top of the incline and kicked it really really hard it would roll pretty darn fast down it, that goes straight for a lake that has a sign in front of it DANGER STAY OFF THE ICE. Learning the skill of falling down I was able to stop myself from finding out just how thin is that ice? But if Saskatchewan wants in increase their population I suggest not having a trail that heads directly for a lake that is possibly 2 to 3 feet deep. I mean height challenged midgets would possibly be wiped off the earth if they went on this trail.

I shall continue with learning this skill until I am talented enough to carry a rifle and while I ski to take out anyone I find snickering at my lack of grace on the snow. Because that is the Alberta way and if Texas had snow it would be their way. But I live in Saskatchewan so here I believe it is ok to wound them, or stab them, but not kill them.

On future blogs I will discuss with you snow shoeing and like who it hell thinks that would be considered a sport?

This is me, notice I am not wearing appopriate attire which for me should involve head gear and for god sakes no one wears bowling shoes on the ice and of course the damnable tapered jeans that Oprah says not to wear.

Canadians are usually friendly until you give them a club and put them on ice

A Shimmy vs. a Shinny

I went up north this weekend, you might say to yourself if you are someone who talks to themselves, well hell how farther north does this chick want to go. She is already in the land where penguins go to vacation. I went to Saskatoon which for those of you who are unfamiliar with Saskatchewan or in general don't know where Canada is, it is above the United States.

There is nothing like driving through the rolling prairie for one to become excited by the smallest things; like a tree, a valley which involves an incline and a decline and a grain silo. But you do learn to find the beauty in small things. The motto of Saskatchewan is the living sky and you do find it interesting. When the sun breaks through the sky and lights up a small part of a field you go wow because of the contrast between the colours. (Please notice how I am using the "u's" correctly in my spelling.)

We land up in Saskatoon, a beautiful city on a big old river that has water that moves. This excited me because down here in Regina, the creeks make no effort to move, so they freeze over and that is their own damn fault if they are going to pretend like they are a really long lake.

The women are very excited in Saskatoon about a game called Shinny. Now for the longest time I thought they were talking about Shimmying and I wondered why women would go outside in freaking freezing weather and take off their tops and shake their tits, thinking this is some northern custom I kept my fears and thoughts to myself. These are the same thoughts I keep to myself so that I don't sound more like a US citizen. Things like at the lesbian get togethers here in Regina they ask women from refraining from wearing perfume because some people are sensitive to these smells. My thought is quit serving frigging cabbage rolls at every meal and that would definitely cut down on smells that are offensive to a much bigger group. Tell me do you think it is smart to have a catered meal that involves cabbage rolls and then have a dance? Are they aware of what the juices of your stomach will do to a food group such as cabbage? I personally believe they great dust bowl of the thirties was was partially caused by the influx of cabbage rolls on the stomachs of the prairie people.

For those confused this is a shimmy by none other then Miss Indigo Blue from Seattle Washington and when I can say she is a shimmy queen I mean she can do twirl and a shimmy like no other.

Back to the Shimmy vs. Shinny debate discussion. The night before we were invited to attend one of these Shinny get togethers. I wanted to decline fearing frost bite on my nipples but because they are friends of my partner I agreed. We show up at an ice rink and for those of you who don't know Canada, there are as many ice rinks in Canada as there are swimming pools in California. On this ice are women in Tennis shoes, snow boots, ear muffs and assorted clothing. Running down the ice with a stick in hand chasing a tennis ball trying to get it in the other's goal. Me being the only person in Canada who doesn't have health care, declined repeatly to join in their fun for a couple of reasons.
1. I have walked on ice and have landed on my back, the thought of running full speed with a stick that mind you could put someone's eye out (if they had really big eyes) seems somewhat dangerous to me.
2. There is no two, just think about number one for a minute and tell me if I am not right.

Peer pressure being what it is I did end up on the ice playing Shinny. I found that women take offense to you putting a stick between their legs without previous permission especially when they are on your own team. That on the ice, people you thought liked you suddenly chase you if you have the tennis ball, therefore I tended to get rid of it as quickly as possible.

So in retrospect I believe in the future I would rather go out in a blizzard and do a shimmy half naked then run around on ice with a big stick being chased by a frenzy of northern canadian women.

Anarchy

Will reign down on this poor city they say. Not exactly reign, because reigning suggests organization and as all of us know who lived through the WTO visit to Seattle a few years ago when the anarchists all wired up on caffeine destroyed a Starbucks. Yes I heard your sharp intake of breath, yes those heathen unorganized and unkempt anarchists (which is the latest style so I hear) smashed a window and destroyed lord knows how many espresso machines and traveling coffee mugs. So for those of you sitting smugly in your homes saying it can't happen to me and not to this lovely little city, beware because I heard it on CBC Radio and if they don't speak the truth in a very polite way then well we are to put it politely fucked.

How will this anarchy happen?

through parking meters.

Yes that is right, I totally understand if you want to stop reading this blog and catch your breath or have a nice cuppa of tea, but on the news the other day the parking meter police in their little yellow cars are up in arms. It seems that people are getting a bit pissed (not pissed as in drunk) but pissed when they find a ticket on the windows of their cars. These meter people enforcement types have been yelled at, their mothers have been cursed their family tree slammed and some have even almost been run over. Though if you ask me if someone was giving me a ticket as I was trying to leave my parking spot I wouldn't consider that running over as much as overly aggressive bumping of a human torso.

The president or leader or union representative of these parking meter checker satanic cults types stated on CBC Radio that if they did not do their job and give tickets very soon anarchy would reign through out the city. It that isn't enough to put the fear of god into you I don't know what would.

Picture this - hundreds maybe even 999 cars parking where ever they wanted for as long as they wanted. Why this is obscene, the horror of it, why if Regina goes what's next to stop these unorganized hoards of parking free people to travel to Saskatoon or even... Toronto.

You may laugh now, but wait until try and find a parking spot next time and it is taken up by some hybrid driving person who doesn't even have the decency to throw a loonie in their meter.

God save the Queen

Claudia

Salvation Army

Also known as "Sally Anne". As you can see this blog will not only be insightful but also educational, my hope is for those of you who are reading this that some day you will get credits towards your degree in I am sitting at work and not doing a damn thing. This course will be how to speak Canadian correctly.

They were supposed to be here between 9am and 5pm. Now bitching about when they are going to show up is rather rude since these are people who feed, cloth and save lives. But really to have to sit here from 9am to 5pm waiting for these people who are obviously well nourished and clothed to get their truck here to pick up this furniture is insane. We are not talking about Toronto here. We are talking about a province that is knows that there will never be a million people in the province no matter how hard they try. Regina is not big, ok a traffic jam here is when a moose gets lost and tries to mate with a hybrid toyota mini car.

I just wanted to update you on what you all are missing.

This is me I look more American here 

Welcome to my blog

For my huge fan base out there I know you have been more then patient waiting for me to fill you in on my hugely busy life here out on the Canadian Prairies. My first bit of business is to make sure that the maple leaf is clearing visible to the naked eye and also in braille. This is my first try at blogging so my main goal is to not make this an internet version of the Christmas letter that goes out every year letting everyone know about how successful their children are vs. your children who are probably on meds of some kind and you are just thankful that you had enough funds and were codependent enough to post bond for your wayward child who started a meth lab in your basement. You of course are now living with your elderly parents since the minor explosion that blew up your house. The stress must be getting to you hiding from the staff of the retirement village where your parents live, because they don't take too kindly to sleep overs that last more then a month.

My hope of this blog is to share with you in excruciating detail how I am dealing with living in a foreign country where I am trying desperately to learn their language, lesson one for you all - a chesterfield is not a cigarette but another name for a couch or a sofa. I know, I know you must be thinking to yourself, what a brave woman, trying to learn a new language, start a new relationship and realize that even though I am a US citizen I am not allowed to send in my video to try and compete in the next Survivor. Yes I have given up much to move to this land where they have daily updates on when the snowmobile trails will be open.

Sure some of you might say hey, I've moved to foreign places and done just fine, I've moved from Northern California to let's say Florida or Virginia and you don't see me whining about the troubles I faced. And I say to you, then start your own blog cause this is mine.

Since I am supposed to be talking about my experiences in Canada I suppose I should start at some point, otherwise this will just become the ramblings of a woman whose meds always seem to be off just a tich.

So today we are waiting for the Salvation Army (which is probably bigger then the Canadian armed forces but don't say anything to them about that cause they get a bit cranky and I am on a visitors visa you know) to pick up our old furniture. They will arrive sometime between 9am and 5pm, which warms my heart with memories of waiting for the cable guy to come to install cable TV so I too could have 300 channels of which 260 of them were shopping channels or sports channels of sports that I don't watch.

Oh yeah - any comments stating that hockey is silly will get you kicked out of the country. For those of you who have problems with insomnia I suggest watching a thrilling match of curling. There is nothing more relaxing then watching curling and then have a slow motion replay of some move with the "heavy hard" moves of the broom.

We have snow up here. Where in the northwest if we have snow in the low lands it is an event and the newscasters always throw up some graphics like - SNOW DISASTER 2006. The inch of snow that falls shuts the city down. The newbie reporters are stuck on some freeway overpass saying "Well Jan we just had some snow mixed with rain come down" and then they reach down and grab a handful of snow like we never have seen snow before and say "but at the moment it is just raining. We will keep you updated as this weather continues to worsen".

Up here the snow falls, it stays for 6 months. In January everyone in Canada goes to Mexico for vacation so George W, if you wanted to invade this would be the time, just an fyi. I mean snow is just no big deal, it just goes on and on and on. They have 1.6 blizzards every winter, so I am looking forward to that, though as of yet I don't know the difference between blowing snow and blizzard.

Oh yeah and when it gets past -20 celsius that means your snot is going to freeze and you had better not stick any frozen metal in your mouth.

If you have braces - big old sorry for you.

So that is my first entry. If you would like to comment and use words like, "amazing or edge of the seat suspenseful or, I laughed so hard I blew out my gall bladder and ended up in the hospital for a week," I would appreciate it.

If by chance you are an english teacher, librarian (mother) or professional writer (daddy) and feel this overwhelming urge to correct my punctuation or grammar, don't even think about it.

Not bad eh?

talk to you soon.

Claudia