I would like you to meet my Butcher

Regina is full of interesting people and places. So far I have shown you where rabbits tread and where I get my hair cut. I have taken you up north where the women shinny in the winter, as compared to strippers who shimmy all year round.

So now I think it is time for you to meet my butcher. Well, she isn't exactly my very own butcher. Now that sounds pretty possessive like I am from the United States, or something. Which I am, but I am really trying to change, really. Tracy is her name and cutting and chopping is her game. Somewhat like my hair stylist, but she uses a cleaver instead of scissors. Which is not to say that Tara chops at my hair, or that I find hair in meat I buy from Tracy, just saying that they both have a "T" in their name and that I know them and that is saying a lot that I know two people. To be truthful, I know more then two people. So when someone says my name on the street I don't scream quite as often and cry out "I'm one of the nice people from the US". That is embarrassing, since I am finding out that to scream or cry out in Regina is frowned upon unless it is during a curling game and you have a broom and you are "hurrying hard". If you have been watching the curling competition during the Olympics you would know what I am talking about. Though, when the Finnish yell "hurry hard" it doesn't sound anything like the team from Newfoundland when they yell it out. Sounds more like "hoppuilla kovasydäminen!"

Back to the neighborhood butcher, Tracy. Funny, in the northwest when we say neighborhood butcher we usually mean a serial killer. Funny huh? OK, not funny ha ha, more like funny weird, or funny if you are sick in the head funny. But Tracy is truly a cool person. Do you know what her favorite band is? Yes. Not yes, I know what it is, though I do know who it is, it is "YES" and for those of you who are young and shouldn't be reading this blog anyway they are a band from the 80's. Now it is important to know who her favorite band is and to never say anything bad about this band otherwise they have "special cuts" of meat wink, wink, nudge, nudge, if you know what I mean. You know meat that neighs if it were alive kind of meat.

So Tracy's family owns the Butcher Boys Meat Shop and it is in the Cathedral Area of Regina, which is the very hip place where people like Kim (I won't say her last name to protect her innocence), who is my friend, lives. Well, she is really Barb's friend more then mine, but I am pretending she is my friend even though she runs a lot when it is really cold out and is cute and thin. I have decided she can still be my friend. Yep, I know, I am a pretty cool person.

So, but here is the heads up. Tracy is at war with Safeway across the street. Not like she is going to bomb the meat department or anything like that, but here is the gossip. See, her place is right across the street and sometimes people, now this might freak you out, will actually park in the Safeway parking lot - and get this - walk across the street and buy meat from her shop. I know, crazy, huh? So Safeway knows this and this is where it gets really gross. They have a guy standing outside all day and watching the parking lot to see that only Safeway shoppers use it. Now since he is Canadian, he doesn't do anything about it, but everyone can see him and his beady eyes looking perturbed at them. Pretty nasty stuff eh?

He looks just like this except he is wearing a toque and his lips are a bit redder.

So Tracy knows this and is writing to Safeway using those "How Are We Doing" customer satisfaction cards to let them know just what she thinks of their "enforcer".

I will keep you up to date as this all plays out, but man if I were you I would stay the hell away from that Safeway parking lot on 13th Avenue if I were you, cause it could be a nasty war of comment cards.

Who are the Idiots

The group that I threw everything into and called idiots - I will admit I included a few Christians - but mostly they include people like Ted Nugent, who only wrote one song and it pretty much sucked - Cat Scratch Fever. Really, let's hum along... cat scratch fever, duh, duh, du, duh. Stupid. The group of idiots include those who want to drill for oil in the Arctic National Refuge. Those, and you know who the freaking hell you are, who kill big game animals that are endangered, don't eat the meat and stick their heads on the wall in the living room. Ya freaks. As Ellen DeGeneres says, sorry if I paraphrase here, "why do people put animal heads on their walls; they say cause they like them", she says, "well I like my momma, but you don't see her head on a wall."

Others in the idiot group:
* Those that put their greed ahead of saving what is left of our wild spaces.
* Those that go to church on Sunday in their Hummers. Ah hell, anyone who drives a Hummer that isn't fighting a war we shouldn't be in.
* Those who don't care about the future as long as they can botox now.
* Anyone who chooses to go on Fear Factor.
* Anyone whose goal in life is to get on the Jerry Springer Show - by the way if your two timing boy friend says, "guess what, we get to go on the Jerry Springer Show to talk about how much we love each other", you should probably expect a transvestite midget to be involved and make sure you wear something revealing so you can flash the audience. I hear they pay extra for that.

Now I don't know if I am a Christian, cause I do some pretty unChristian like things. But most Christians I know are pretty cool. So I'm not calling you all idiots, cause that would make me an idiot for grouping you all in one group. I'm calling those that hide behind God (whoever they think God is) and do mean and damaging things to others who are innocent, because they think they have God on their side. My belief God doesn't take sides.

Let me give you a little hint from a sinner. It doesn't matter what you call him/her as long try every day to be the best person that you can be and try and make this world a better place, even if the best you can do is smile at a stranger or start up a conversation with an elderly person in line at the grocery store.

And you don't go around humming Cat Scratch Fever.

Trans Canada Neighborhood Rabbit Highway

Man Kind which is kind of a funny term, since "man" hasn't been the"kindest" to both each other and animals, has begun to learn in the past 100 years or so that we don't own the earth. I mean not everyone agrees with this idea, there are a few groups out there that think God created the earth for them to use and abuse as they wish. Because it is easier to group them all together then name them all and it seems in today's society grouping people together is a bit of a fad in this story we will call them idiots. Us who aren't idiots understand that we need to as they say "take only pictures and leave only footprints". When we travel to the wilderness we need to remember we go there because it is wild and scary and is full of big and small furry animals.
While the big scary animals can cause you more body trauma, do not take lightly what small rodents can do to you. As in chew through baggies and eat your nuts, your cadbury candy bar and other assorted foods that will drive to tossing small pebbles and cursing their rodent ancestry. Do not worry that these curses will drive rodents such as the lemmings to suicide, since we all know that lemmings are not suicidal though they were portrayed that way in a 1957 Walt Disney Film. Sure it is totally OK to make mice out as your friend but when it comes to a cute little furry lemming he makes them out to be some furry suicidal terrorist. It's because lemmings are Canadian I am sure of it.

I digress as you can see in the above pictures you see the same trail with first a guy and his dog walking on the trail and soon after a bear and her cub. These photos were taken by a remote controlled camera so don't worry that anyone died in the taking of those pictures. What is shows is man and animal need to live together to survive. Or that man better learn to walk really fast so that bear doesn't catch up with him.

I trying to not belong to the group we have labeled the idiots found these tracks outside my house this past week. As you can see by the pictures, it is a trail or as I like to call it the trans Canada neighborhood rabbit highway. These rabbits probably for hundreds of years have traveled this same path to somewhere else. I am not sure where they are now traveling too unless it is the local 7-11 and even though the Canadians are a liberal bunch I doubt if they serve rabbits. Unless it is for dinner.

But this is their trail. I have heard stories about how grizzlies take certain trails to get to their water supply or to traverse a hillside. If there is anything that falls on that path they will move it out of the way. This unfortunately happened to a couple who decided to put their tent on one of the trails and well we all know how that ended.

So I now have this trail in front of my house. My fears are the they casing the joint, I mean is it a herd or gang of jack rabbits who are doing hop bys? As you can see by one of the pictures I have evidence that at least one rabbit hopped by my dogs window and taunted Stella. Oh sure when I told the police they didn't take me seriously and started asking me a bunch of questions about when my visa was up, but I am sure they were just joking with me, cause you know Canadians are a pretty funny group.

But I worry. What if I am walking to my car at the same time as these so called furry and friendly rabbits are coming through. Should I run? Should I fall down on the ground and play dead? If I run should I climb up a tree or are these rabbits that can climb trees and with their sharp little teeth take me out? Should I see a therapist about changing my meds?


Here is a picture of someone who didn't
take rabbits seriously:

These are serious questions that I will continue to worry about and investigate. Some of you might be laughing now but some morning you too will wake up and find yourself faced with the dilemma - am I an idiot or not?

I would like you to meet my hair stylist

For those of you who are moving to a new country there a few things that you need to find almost immediately so that your world doesn't come crashing down around you. First one is find your local Starbucks. Usually this isn't hard to find, if you stand on any street corner for any length of time one will pop up within days of your arrival. And by standing on the street corner you will most likely get some change since you will have not bathed and people will feel sorry for you. You will get more money if you have dog, but you will get the most money if you have a circus troop of dancing lemmings, but that is a whole other story that I don't want to get into since it makes me upset.

So far hopefully you have found a Starbucks and now are hyped up on a triple shot dry non fat latte with two equals. In the eighties we found that getting a gram of coke worked about the same, but hey that was 20 years ago and things are different now. If you are hanging at a Tim Hortons I believe that would be a "double double" I think personally saying "double squared" would be funnier but, ya don't make fun of Tim Hortons up here or the queen. Now you can be a queen who hangs at Tim Hortons, but don't make fun of "THE QUEEN". All right now that we got that straightened out (unless you are a queen and then we don't want you straightened out OK?)

Once you are settled you need to find yourself a hair stylist - please do not refer to them as "hair dressers" cause they have scissors. Same way that you aren't supposed to call Flight Attendents Airline Stewardess. Cause they have the serving cart and you won't get peanuts or some how when your drink is served to you the plane will hit a pocket of turbulence and your drink with ice will be in your lap. Do you all understand these people have POWER. So mind your p's and q's - personally I think we should be watching out for the X, Y's and Z's since they seem kind of like a gang and could totally take out the LMNOP's cause they are a bunch of babies.

Right, off track again, so back to the hair stylist. My hair stylist is named Tara. That's it just "Tara". I get totally confused if it sounds like Tara in Gone with The Wind Tara, or just Tara. Since I can't ever remember (I have a few memories issues from the eighties OK? Just get off my back about it) I call her "T" . And that is one of the first lessons you need to learn if you are looking for a stylist is they have to be totally cool. As in she only uses her frigging first name. Like Cher or Charo or Fabio (who has great hair by the way) or Bugs or Toto, see these are all big name recognition people and so she has to be totally hip right? But I wouldn't go to Fabio for a haircut since he hasn't changed his hair since the 80's.

Of course there is that whole issue about restraining orders and if you had her last name and she gave you a totally shitty haircut you could like drive by and throw eggs and call her a hair dresser. I prefer to think that she is over the top cool.

There are other things you need to look for when you choose a hair stylist. This is a partial list and I am sure you can add more.

1. If she has like a lot of blood around her station, bad sign
2. Really this is most important - if she has a mullet - really not good - scary
3. If she uses her scissors in a stabbing motion, run
4. If her favorite film is Fatal Attraction, don't let her play with your rabbit or lemming
5. If she has just come back from some hair stylist fashion show and wants to try a "new cut " on you, politely say no that you don't think your friends would appreciate you looking like a peacock.
6. Oh yeah and most important thing you need in a stylist is - she has to be
   thinner
   cuter
   and have nicer hair
   so you can really want to be like her really bad, but no you will never be as cute as she is so you will probably hate her a bit, but that it totally OK because see your relationship with your hair stylist is truly a love hate relationship. I mean if she had less teeth then you, her hair looked like a nest for hibernating lemmings and she wasn't cute, I mean why would you go to her? But you know what the cool revenge is? See they have to be cute and they have to stand on their feet all day, but to be totally cool they have to wear like the latest fashions which include incredibly painful high heel shoes, so I mean of course that is one thing that makes me feel better.

Soon after moving to Regina I went to "only first name cool Tara" and well see here is the picture.

See what I mean? Like without a doubt someone you would love to hate. Am I right? Not hate like if I saw her on the street I would spit at her and say a pox on you and your family. But more of a friendly hate, like hey do you want to have a cup of coffee and then order it for her and ask for them to put in cream instead of non fat milk in her latte kind of hate.

Warning, this is most important, never ever let on that you may feel like this, since if you ever do, you might here an "oops, I am so sorry" and the back of your head looks like it was attacked by lemmings with really sharp teeth and there ain't a damn thing you can do but you know cut the tip in half or something really harsh.

So those are my helpful tips on how to find and maintain a relationship with your stylist.

Saskatchewan loses 10,000 young people a year

That is a statistic I read in the Prairie Dog Newspaper. Which is a great newspaper if you are from Seattle it would be like reading the Stranger or the Seattle Weekly. So there seems to be this huge brain drain on this province. What the "spin" is, is that they are all "moving" to the province called Texas of the North which is directly west of us. We will call that the province that won't be named who is run by a ruler named Ralph he looks something like this :


Man the guy must spend a shitload on contacts for that one eye. Cause you know you can't just buy one contact so even though he just needs one he has to buy two at a time. No wonder why he is so off the deep end with anger and just plain greediness.

Since I do have an enourmous amount of time on my hands I have been doing some research into these so called "migration" of Saskatchewan youth to the province that shall not be named. In the same way I blew the cover off the story of suicidal lemmings and stupid pedestrians I shall also do the same for this story.

We all know that the province that shall not be named is a "have" province. This term for those of you who are didn't know means a province that has like a whole bunch of natural reserves of stuff that the United States really, really wants and so they sell the stuff to the United States and make tons of money off them, expect for the tariff on the Softwood market and we won't even go there cause that just really irritates both sides, almost enough to have the U.S. send Dick Cheney north for a so called "bird hunting trip". So the "have" province's are British Columbia cause they make lots of films up there and pretend they are in Seattle or LA or other places but without the palm trees and Pamela Anderson was born there. You have the province that shall not be named ruled by Ralph the great overlord of stuff and they have lots and lots of oil and natural gas. Then there is Saskatchewan and they have some oil, some natural gas and uranium. Oh yeah isn't that exciting? Yep we have the biggest deposit of uranium in the world. And since we have that here every thinks that all the nuclear waste should also be stored here. And while we are at it why don't we just go and build ourselves a Nuclear Power Plant. So we can power all the homes that aren't being lived in because everyone is moving west.

Then there is Manitoba and they make like a gazzilion moccasins.

And there are a bunch of province's east of here but they don't much matter. They speak french and have film festivals and have little bitty islands where they talk with an accent and really know how to sing up a song or two and I hear are quite funny.

Now that I have given you an overview of Canada let me tell you what is really happening to those 10,000 saskatchewans every year. Do you really think they are moving or do you think that maybe they are being snatched away in the middle of the night and being forced into slave labour working in the oil fields and sadly having to live in these overcrowded conditions :


Where many work for companies who are sucking the oil out of these oil sands in the northern part of the province that shall not be named.











What can one person do to stop this insanity? Well I figure if we got one or two really short people, a wizard and some elves or something it shouldn't be too hard to kick old Ralph's ass.

But whatever we do, don't you feel we need to save these young people from a life wearing horizontal stripes that make their hips look wider then need be?

And really Dick, is shooting birds with really little wings really necessary?

Temperature right now - 29 with a wind chill of -47

In case you didn't know, Canada uses the Celsius system to record temperatures in their country. Moving to Canada one of the more difficult things for me to figure out other then the loonie and the toonie was how to gage the temperatures. When it was summer not really a problem. Guestimation worked great. If it was in the 20's - good, in the low 30's not so good, in the upper 30's global warming.

With the winter weather I had to come up with my own conversion chart to simplify my life. And I thought I would share this with you.
Canadian Celsius = o degrees
Fahrenheit = 32 degrees
Temps by Claudia = You don't need a toque (in English we call them hats) but best to carry one in your car, but don't wear it in the car because then you look like you are from Quebec and I guess that sucks

Canadian Celsius - 10
Fahrenheit 14 degrees
Temps by Claudia - Best be wearing that Toque and your gloves, still can stick tongue to metal without losing skin and sounding like Jerry Lewis. People are still jogging - like outside - these are silly people.

Canadian Celsius -17.7778 degrees
Fahrenheit - ZERO
Temps by Claudia -You will lose part of your tongue and lips if you accidentally slam your face against a metal pole or put a metal clip for a gate in your mouth. Everyone around you will laugh at you like Jerry Lewis - fuck them

Canadian Celsius -25 degrees
Fahrenheit -13 degrees
Temps by Claudia - SNOT FREEZING COLD. You don't need to blow your nose, best to just chip the snot out of your nose at this temp. If you have a cold, well then you got snot icicles. Or as I like to call them snotcicles. You best be plugging your car in at night and more importantly unplugging it in the morning or you will be driving down the road with an extension cord behind you like some freaking tail, and people will be laughing at you like Jerry Lewis - fucking sick Canadian sense of humour.

Canadian Celsius -40 below
Fahrenheit - 40 below
Temps by Claudia - BINGO did you know that at this temperature on both charts it is equally as cold. At this temperature who really cares, you know? At this temperature your skin freezes and breaks off about the same. At this temp if you were either on a) part of the Donner Pass party or b) with a South American Soccer Team who had a pilot that sucked and deserved to be munched on you would have very little issue with throwing Johnny on the Barbie for din din.

Canadian Celsius -47 below
Fahrenheit -52 below
Temps by Claudia- Somewhere between zero and this temperature your sense of humour freezes and you begin to find Jerry Lewis mildly amusing. At this temp. breathing isn't such a good idea cause you can cause frostbite to your lungs, how in the hell do Canadians have a sense of humour when you can freaking frostbite your lungs? How does breathing in this cold feel? - think of the biggest bong hit you ever took and how you choked and gagged and then you realized that the Pink Floyd The Animals Albums was like genius. It's like that but without
that Pink Floyd thing.

If you are worried about how the little sparrows survive in this cold, I saw this in my backyard this morning.

If you are going to live in Canada these are important tips

Having lived here since September 1st I believe now have enough knowledge to provide anyone who wants to live here or visit here valuable tips on how to fit in with the natives. Canadians are the nation of really polite people and on the whole they put an upbeat spin on most things that am still trying to understand. While watching the Olympics on CBC, they will show every Canadian no matter what place they came in. Even if it was 35 they are shown on TV and the announcer will say, it's a young team and they are here just for the experience, wait until the Vancouver games we will see a lot of metals from these wonderful young athletes. Now that is just plain cool. These kids are excited if they make in the top 20 and everyone cheers them on. Where the polite thing comes in is the Women's Canadian Hockey team in their first two games kicked some major ass. Like 16 to 0 vs. Italy and I think 12 to 0 vs Russia. I was impressed first because I was even watching a hockey game and two that they kicked ass. But there were many emails sent into CBC complaining that it was unsportsmanlike to win by that many points, especially against the host cities team. http://www.cbc.ca/olympics/sports/icehockey/stories
Now that is what I am talking about when I say they are nice up here and didn't they look like a bunch of fuzzy little red and white baby seals in their outfits when they walked in on opening ceremonies, minus the flippers and well I'm sorry a baby seal's eyes are much cuter, wouldn't you agree? Plus baby seals are helpless, not like those really mean Women Hockey Players eyes.















Other things I've learned why living up here is Regina is murder capital of Canada. I think this is wrong since Canada doesn't have capitals like the United States so how could it be the capital. When I ask people about this, they go tsk, tsk, (they do that up here) and say it isn't as bad as it sounds. See it's based on number of murders per capita. For those of you who are as confused as I was, it's not like there are more murders then let's say Toronto or Vancouver there are just fewer people here, but the ones that are here like to kill more. See? doesn't that make sense. Anyway I am told they are mostly done with knives (that's why drive by killings are so rare you would have to have a pretty big knife and good aim to throw a knife and take someone out, but be worried if you step outside your house and there are 30 to 40 steak knives peppering the outside wall of your house) and most people are killed by friends and relatives, which means I am pretty much safe from ever being murdered here in Regina.

Another big thing you need to know is how to buy things for BONUS AIR MILES. Oh this is a big deal up here. Especially with paper products. Ok here is the deal. You have to get an airline bonus mile card. Then when you shop at certain places you get air miles depending on how much you buy. But when you go grocery shopping at Safeway you can get SOMETIMES 30 TO 40 BONUS AIRMILES if you buy about 48 rolls of toilet paper or 18 rolls of paper towels. Do not ask me why this fetish with paper products, but trust me on this, you could go to anyones house up here and I swear they must use the crap for insulation or something, because even if you were a slob or had anal leakage there is no way in hell you could use up the paper products as fast as they want you too.

If you want to blame someone on the rainforests being cut down, blame it on the BONUS AIR MILES

A President who wants to build bridges

Oh scratch that, this president, old George W, wants to build fences. Lots of fences. His vision for America includes looking across our borders through fences and I doubt if they are the white picket fences that are a sign of a happy middle class. I'm thinking more along the lines of something in cold metal and galvanized. Being from Washington State I occasionally watch the local news just to see mostly how many days it has rained and how many people's homes who live on flood plains are once again being flooded. When the Real Estate agent said "water front" property they maybe should have listened a bit closer to what that actually meant. While watching floods and mudslides on the news there was an ad from this republican politician who is running for senator and this is a direct quote from his ad:

I’m Mike McGavick, and I’m running for the United States Senate because we need to bring back that kind of common sense, that kind of problem solving to our national government.
You know the issues that face us are big, there’s no question. We have a war on terror that’s as near as the Canadian border.

Well that shocked that me as it probably does you. Because since moving to Regina, I am sorry but I have yet to see one terrorist just walking down the street. Let's be real here, their idea of doing a drive by (in US language that means shooting someone up usually by their house or the corner they hang at) is to drive by someones house and say something under their breath about how they wish they would shovel their sidewalk, mow their lawn more often or why do they think it is ok to park in front of my house why aren't they parking in front of their house? So the realization that terrorists are lurking out there in the prairie has given the willies.

Yeah those Canadian terrorists hate them. Let's see how many were there on those planes on 9-11? Um... Well we had a bunch of Saudis that had entered the States legally, went to school, learned to fly commercial jets. Hold on maybe I am missing something, but honestly no matter how figure it, not one Canadian was a terrorist on those planes. But really it is important to plan ahead and obviously if I was running for office the first country I would be frightened of is those overly aggressive pot smoking, giving homosexual rights, liberal freaking Canadians. So yeah I think building a fence is a damned good idea, though I really, really feel sorry for whoever has the job of building the fence over the Rockies or through Lake Superior, now that would suck.

To help put this in a historical context let's all go back in time and look the countries that were successful with building fences, or walls. China was one of the first to come up with protecting their country with a wall. Not being so up on that history I would think that you could have one group of invaders down the way a bit waving their arms and going pssssst over here, while the other group a mile away jumped up over the wall and promptly got lost cause let's face it China is Big. Did it work? Well if you think about it increasing the tourist industry hell yes it worked. Did it work letting the other countries know what the border between the two countries were, well damn hard to miss a freaking wall, so yes I would agree. Did it stop invaders? It they weren't looking where they were going and ran full tilt into it. Well yes I am sure it worked. This wall was created to keep others out where as this other wall was to keep people in:

The Berlin Wall, by some said that when created it when we could say the cold war started. It stood for 27 years and did a pretty good job of not keeping people out as much as keeping people in.
Now I am not in a place to tell George Bush what to do, since I live in Regina SK and he probably couldn't say it (cause it would be against his religious beliefs) spell it or know where it is, but if I was I would say out of the two walls, this one here would be my best bet for the border between Canada and the United States. Let's face it everyone. If you were a Canadian would you really want to move to a country where they are doing illegal wire tapping? Would you want to move there because they don't allow you to smoke pot? Um would you move there because you were gay and they are oh so friendly to homosexuals getting married? Would you go there to see Disneyland? OK that was a trick question, cause the only other place you could go is France and I hear that Mickey with French accent reminds a lot of people of Peppy Le Pew who was a sexually harassing, predatory, stalking skunk and that bastard gave me nightmares growing up. I mean dude, leave the freaking cat alone OK? She doesn't like you, doesn't want to hang with you and you creep her out and dude, maybe she just isn't into skunks, ever thought of that ya freak?


So let's review, Great Wall of China, great for tourism, tried to keep people out.

Berlin Wall, not so great for tourism, but pretty damn good at keeping people in.

Peppy Le Pew - a perv

Therefore if people really didn't want to come to your country (like Canadians) but people from the US would love to come to Canada (the home of Art Linkletter and William Shatner) and if you liked Curling and Hockey and Shinny and stuff that involved cold weather and snow then maybe they are building these fences to keep you folks from the United States in? Cause let's face it once you leave the US you are really high on every-ones shit list except for those overly aggressive, liberal Danes who lucky for US knocked them off number one on the Muslim Top 40 we hate the holy shit out of you guys list.

So you all have a nice day unless you are a Danish Cartoonist and then I would suggest to stay indoors.

Trolling for Trolls

Generally I don't usually write about mythical creatures in my Blog. Like why write about some hairy scary thing that lives underneath a bridge when there is so much other stuff to talk about living here in Canada? But I seem to have been blessed with my own personal troll and I want you to know it was free! I didn't have to pay this site to have one attack me. Nope it just showed up by itself of it's own accord. Yes you are saying to yourself, you are one lucky dog aren't you Claudia and I must agree, because without mean little evil creatures most stories would be lackluster and bore a child to death. Examples of stories that would go no where without a troll:
Billy Goat's Gruff - no story cause no troll to have to kick off the bridge
Rumpelstiltskin -No short little evil guy named Rumps, no story just another story about a young girl marrying an older man you could rename it the Anna Nicole Smith story
Wizard of Oz - come on the best part of the story was flying monkey's (close relation to trolls) and munchkins so without them who really cares about Dorothy and Toto?
Lord of The Rings - BORING without trolls

So as you can see any good story needs to have a nemesis and well a blog that doesn't create controversy is not doing it's job. I am just sorry that I only have one troll. I will have to work harder to gather more who will raise up their little arms with rage at me.

Why do I call this person who writes mean things to me troll? Because for those of you who don't know, in today's language a troll is someone on the internet who hops from one site to another causing discourse and discontent because well they are short and hairy and live under bridges. There are exceptions
These trolls obviously shave:













There are trolls that I grew up with, well I didn't actually grow up with them because they stayed the same size. And want you to know, never take them to school without clothes because man the kids in 2nd grade can be cruel and scream, trolls are supposed to have clothes! And laugh at ya. So I just combed the hair down around their private parts and pretended it was a new fad. Embarrassing hell yes. I blame my mother for not giving the FYI about trolls having clothes. At home they were more comfortable hanging out naked, how was I supposed to know that they wore little polyester pant suits.











And as you all know this is the only troll that is currently in public office. I was told by friends, ignore the troll, don't give them power, that will just egg them on. You all are probably right. But it is my Blog and how often do I get the opportunity to call Donald Rumsfeld a troll?















So to you, troll where ever you may be, you are in fine company.

Snow Mobiling

Being from Washington I am well aware of snow mobile enthusiasts, we have many people who enjoy the great outdoors through riding these machines. You can count on that at least one to two people will die each year because they choose to drive their snow mobile up the side of a mountain - where I come from we call the avalanche chutes and for some crazy reason they go straight up it, with a friend filming it because who knows they might start an avalanche and then their footage will be on the Stupidest People of the World TV show.

Crazy isn't it? Yeah drive your vehicle on top of thousands of pounds of wet snow and it shifts and wallah (as they say in Harry Potter) you get swept away and sometimes die. Now this is in no way slamming those who ride safely and responsibility. This is for the few who, well how do I put this politely, shouldn't be reproducing.

This I found on a website for snowmobiling. I have high lighted the parts that give me concern.

Make It A Safe Ride…
Obey speed limits and road/trail signs and always drive within your ability. Reduce your speed when driving at night and watch out for fences, guide wires and other objects that are more difficult to spot at night.

Avoid driving on frozen lakes and rivers. If it can't be avoided, check ice conditions beforehand. Wear a buoyant snowmobile suit. Carry ice picks and make sure they are accessible.

Alright let's start with the first one. If you are riding on a "snow mobile trail" I really doubt that some one for a joke is going to put up a fence or barbed wire just to mess with you. So if you need to be watching out for those things, then I bet ya, just bet ya that you aren't riding on the roads or trails meant for snowmobiling. I haven't done much cross country skiing but what I do know is there ain't any fences or nasty barbed wire on the trails.

Next one - Avoid driving on frozen lakes and river. Is this just me or is this just a no brainer? It's one thing to walk out onto a frozen lake with just your own body weight, but to go out on something that weighs like a lot is kind of silly don't you think? Ok let me put it this way, if you walk out on the ice by yourself and you hear cracking you would know to just get the hell out of Dodge, but how do you hear the cracking of ice when you have your legs wrapped around an engine on skis? Doesn't that once again go against having a "safe ride".

Ah now the last one. Wear a buoyant suit and carry ice picks. Alright I know I am from the Northwest and have a lot to learn about living in the north, but in school, did you all never hear about don't run with scissors? I mean that was planted in our little head from an early age even though the scissors they gave us had rounded ends and you couldn't cut paper with the pitiful things so we ended up using our teeth, but beyond that, we still never ran with scissors. Pencils yes, scissors no. Cause we always heard, oh (insert whatever is dangerous here) that's funny until some one gets hurt and then I always wanted to add - then it's hysterical. But really do you think that driving at 100 khm an hour, on a frozen I mean big frozen ass lake with frigging ice picks in your hands is like a safe ride? Are you all just crazy or is it just me?

Did you not see Basic Instinct? Do you not know what can happen to you if you were riding with Sharon Stone and you cut her off on the trail? You would be so chopped up. Yes, yes I know it was never proved in the movie that she was the killer but she sure knew how to use an ice pick. I myself use ice trays, just seems simpler.


Do I have a witty conclusion to this post? Nope I don't. But I feel much better having shared my feelings about this and no, the trauma caused to me by seeing Titanic 10 times and hearing the love song by Celine Dion for over 6 months has nothing to do with open water and ice.

The True story behind Brokeback Mountain

Sure there has been a lot of hype about this "gay cowboy" movie. All sorts of guys who used to wear cowboy boots and leather chaps without pants are now in an uproar because they are saying that no cowboy in their right mind would be gay, that just isn't normal. If the Marlboro Man hadn't died of lung cancer I am positive that he would have had a fit. Probably a coughing fit, but a fit.

Well my friends I have the scoop about what the story was originally about and how it was changed so as to be more "Hollywood". Oh yeah you think that the story when written some years ago was about two young cowboys in the early 60's who fall in love played by these two actors:

But do you want to know the real truth? Hell yes I hear you yelling from around the world. Or have I forgotten to take my meds again? From digging through the myth and hype around cowboys and sheep and how it relates to Brokeback Mountain I found out that the character that played opposite Heath Ledger wasn't Jake Gy.......... (his name is really hard to spell) but was....

Yep that's right though exhaustive and boredom I found that Heath was supposed to fall in love with Dolly the sheep. But due to concerns in Hollywood about would people go to a movie about this love affair they changed it to two gay men. Really other then sheep who would go see this movie?

And the original name for the movie - Brokebaaaaaacccck Mountain

Stay tuned ladies and gents as I continue to keep you up to date on the latest and greatest cutting edge news that happens right here in Regina.

The Winter Itch

Has nothing to do with the 7 year itch but it feels a lot like the same kind of itch I had when I was living in Marin County which is on the other side of the bay of San Francisco and I didn't know nothing about no poison oak and had this dog that just loved to roll in it and being alone and living in an airstream trailer (sounding a bit like this story is really situated in the south, but swear to the all mighty god there are trailers in Marin County and I did live in one in the 80's.) So sometimes the dog slept on the bed with me. Listen you filthy minded pervs, it was a small trailer, you know a travel trailer. See? Look how small that damn thing is, you try and live in one with your dog and see if the dog doesn't end up sleeping on your bed. Back to the supposed bestiality, the dog would roll in the poison oak

This is poison oak, nasty, nasty stuff reminds me of Dick Cheney but with more hair.

THIS IS EVIL, STAY AWAY AT ALL COSTS. DO YOU THINK ADAM AND EVE LEFT THE GARDEN OF EDEN BECAUSE OF SOME ISSUES WITH GOD? NO SIRREE IT WAS BECAUSE THOSE LEAVES THEY WORE. OH YEAH, THOSE WEREN'T THE GOOD OLD, MAPLE LEAF (GOD SAVE THE QUEEN) BUT THROUGH SOME CONFUSION BETWEEN THE SNAKE AND ADAM THEY ENDED UP WEARING POISEN OAK INSTEAD OF THIS FRIENDLY CHUMMY LEAF. DUE TO THE ITCH TO THEIR PRIVATE PARTS THEY HAD TO LEAVE IN SEARCH OF SOME RELIEF. THIS IS THE GOSPEL ACCORDING TO CLAUDIA

Back to the story, where were we, dog rolled on blankets, I slept on the blankets, I ended of with a 6 month case of poison oak itching that didn't improve my look in the early 80's. Well to be honest there wasn't much that could have improved anyones look in 80's. Most people were just trying to move around in a bar where 90% of the women were wearing jackets with shoulder pads bumping into each other like bumper cars at the fair. You know now that I think about it my issues with poison oak were the least of my worries in the 80's. God Alexis was such a bitch wasn't she?

To bring this story up to today I am once again dealing with the winter itch. I was trying to be kind when I discussed in a previous post about it being a dry cold. It is a soul sucking, dry that well is beginning to piss me off. I now know why people spend so much time on the ice and falling down, it cools off their itchy skin. Do you know what comes after the winter itch? Do you? Spring Fever. I am not talking about the one where you go, oh I can't wait to see leaves on the trees and lemmings running free (not committing suicide because we already know they are not a suicidal rodent) no this spring fever comes from the infection caused by the continual tearing off of my skin until it becomes infected and I have a really bad fever but because I'm not a landed immigrant, more like one that is floating, I have no health care so they end up having to amputate both legs and I end up on the corner of Broad and Victoria in Regina with my Lemming Circus trying to make a living off the loonies that the kind Canadians will throw to me as I cackle under my breath.

Yeah, that is what I am talking about.