I like to throw in my knowledge of Latin occasionally, makes me sound really smart and really how often at a cocktail party does a person get to talk Latin to another person? Sure you might be talking to someone who you think is speaking Latin, but those people are usually either drunk off their asses or speaking in tongues, and in the big scheme of things, what is the difference? Ya can't understand them and you need an interpreter to explain to you what the other person is blabbering on about. When I was a born again Christian for the 2nd time (first one didn't take) I spoke in tongues, wasn't hard to do since I was used to talking while being drunk off my ass.
Back to phones and phone calls in general. I have parents and for those of you who also have parents you might understand this conversation and how the phone system was trying to do an invention of sorts between my mother and I.
My mother and I have a good relationship. The older we have gotten the more we appreciate each other. This doesn't stop us from getting into arguments that are incredibly stupid. As is this one.
My mother calls to tell me she is sending off my birthday present and it will be late. She calls around 8am in the morning. She always says, Claudia this is your mother Betty. You would think that after 47 years I would know her voice and also know that she is my mother and that her name is Betty. Maybe she is doing this for her own benefit but I only have one mother so I am pretty sure I have her voice down. This does not go the other way around I am afraid. When I call her I too always announce who I am, because she had 4 of us kids and even though one is a boy, I don't want her to get confused and think she is talking to one of her other daughters and if I don't say this is Claudia she will talk for awhile and then go, oh it you Claudia, which is irritating.
So she calls to tell me stuff that she had already told me the day before, this is not saying my mother is losing it she isn't cause if she is so am I. I do the same thing to her. I have reached the age where I have a collection of stories that are funny and I will tell them to people and then tell them again because they are just so damn funny and then try and tell them again until I am told I have already shared this story one too many times. So having my mother call me and repeat things isn't so bad since I do the same thing to her.
So she calls, and as she does the big hairy cat Mr "P" walks by with a piece of shit on his butt. I know he has this on his ass before I see it because he had sat on my newspaper and left a creative shit print on the front of the paper. It would have been so damn funny if Stephen Harper - or Steve as George W, likes to call him had been on the front cover but he wasn't so it was gross.
I tell my mother this bit of information and she goes into this long ass conversations about how well you know from working for a veterinarian Claudia that cats are very clean animals and if the cat has crap hanging from his butt he is sick.
I said - mother, the hair on his ass is too long and it gets stuck, hairy ass have shit stuck problems
She said, no there is something definitely wrong with the cat and you need to get it to the doctor.
I said why because it has shit sticking to it?
She said something about not caring for the cat.
I said I do care for the cat
She said you are in a bad mood aren't you
I said well when you call me up telling me about the cat's ass yes I get in a bad mood.
This is all going on as the cat is walking around with shit hanging from his ass. Stressing me out because I really want to clean it off of him.
She said you just got married you should be in a good mood.
I said I am
then the phone went dead. I immediately called back because of course I wanted to continue proving that I was not a bad cat owner and she should quit being a mother. Couldn't get through. As I look back on this I should realize that the phone system or the CIA and FBI are listening in and really don't want us to continue this conversation because it is grossing them out and has nothing with me being a terrorist.
Ah I finally get through to mother
Mother I said I just pulled the crap from the cat (sounding like a Dr. Seuss story now) and there was grass in it, not that I looked too closely but I could see grass ok?
Mother goes Oh, there is something definitely wrong because if animals are eating grass that means they aren't feeling well and are trying to get rid of whatever is wrong.
Ok mother the two dogs and the other cat all eat grass, so now you are telling me that they are all sick? Cats and Dogs are omnivores, they eat grass because of vitamins, not because they are fucking bulimics and need to puke up shit all over the house.
Oh Claudia I can see that you are depressed.
The phone goes dead again. At this point I should take a deep breath, let it go and get on with my day. But I can't and neither can she
So she calls back and I say, yes I am a bit depressed, trying to deal with fixing up this house, running out of money and trying to become a landed immigrant is stressing me out, plus I have a shit dragging cat walking around the house.
Claudia you are almost 47 isn't it time you get over this depression
this is from an 82 year old who still goes through depression.
I said nope never to old to be depressed.
We finally agreed that we had to start the conversation over so we did. Asked how each other were and then said we loved each other and hung up.
Sometimes I picture being raised by badgers and how that wouldn't be such a bad thing, cause badgers don't call. But then I realize I would be living in a cave with a really weird looking face and very few friends, so come to the conclusion that my family is like much cooler then badgers.
taking the form of a postman to get information on us human life forms, because no human would sniff a woman and know exactly what type of wood they were sanding. Oh you might think, how scary could termites be when it comes to taking over the world. I have 3 words for you mister know it all - soft wood industry.
