Are ya Ripe for the Picking or will ya be Left Behind?

For those of you who follow my blog you know I am a bit of a religious scholar. I was raised a Unitarian, became a Mormon at age 18 for two reasons, it was the only religion my parent really, really hated and the Mormons promise that if you are totally good and get married in the temple and where the special underwear that when you die you are given your own planet be a God over. There is no other religion that gives you those kind of perks. After joining softball I started drinking and smoking pot so that didn't quite fit in with the whole not drinking or drugging Mormon thing. Looking back I would have to say that softball is a the gateway sport to drinking and drugs. From there it was Born again Christian - Following the Native American way of life and ending up Born again Christian cause I just didn't get it right the first time I suppose. I found in the second time around in the Born again that they got me to speak in tongues. Not saying I don't believe that people can do that because I am sure that they can. I did find that I could also speak in tongues after drinking a bottle of tequila.

With this overview of my past religious training you all can see that I am as qualified as Pat Robertson or George Bush to say that I know what God wants for us. Now back to the subject of this post. The Being Left Behind series of books if you don't already know it are a series of book about what will happen when God decides to take all the God Fearing people home. I like to think of this as God Hoovering up his people into the sky, dumping out the humongous vacuum bag and dumping these people in heaven, along with several billion God Fearing Dust Puppies and Bunnies. Those of us who are left behind are just fucked for a couple of reasons.

1. We will be left with all the politicians
2. And all the CEO's of Oil and Gas companies

My greater fear when all this godly vacuuming happens is that I will be on a plane with a pilot who is a vacummee and then the plane goes down and I die. So I am thinking that before I board any plane I want to know if the pilot has a drug problem, cheats on his wife or something else that would leave him behind so I that feel safe in traveling. This goes with anyone in public transportation, I think it is our right to know if they have a potential of being sucked up and leaving us to be hurt or injured due to their suckability factor.

Which leads me to the real reason why I am posting today. In revelations there are several things are supposed to happen before the end of the world. 4 horseman riding around waving stuff and yelling at people (sounds like the RCMP to me) prime ministers that look somewhat like bobble-head dolls (this has come to pass I am sorry to say) and of course you have to study revelations very closely to find this passage but it is there if you look. It says

And there will come a day at the end of the days of this the end of this world at the end of time, somewhere around mid morning when thy will go to the Safeway on 13th Street in Regina and find the lowly vegetable merchants will speakth to the customer and say we have no zucchini for thee, we are short on zucchini. There are NO ZUCCHINI.

Frightening isn't it? Unheard of you say? I couldn't agree more, when in one's life has there ever been a shortage of zucchini? Never I say. Why do you think Adam and Eve left Eden? It was because they started 3 or 4 zucchini plants and they over took the garden to the point that all Adam and Eve had to eat was zucchini casserole, zucchini bread or fried, baked or sauteed zucchini. Those two went screaming out of Eden to get away from that vegetable. In today's world it is not unheard of to open your door and find a box of those bastard zucchini on your doorstep because some poor sod had two plants instead of one. Some say that is where the idea of Invasion of the Body Snatchers came from how quickly those bastard plants can grow.

So to go into the Safeway on 13th Street and be told that they ARE SHORT ON ZUCCHINI, let me know that time is short and that I should be prepared to get involved in the real estate market and stay off of all planes. For all of you who read this, I know you ain't going anywhere so get ready cause the signs of the end of the world or global warming whichever are a happening, so stock up on your zucchini if you can find any and if one day you are walking around and people are just being sucked up into the sky, remember you heard it here first.

It started with the lack of zucchini on the Safeway on 13th Street.