A Public Service Announcement About Ticks

Ticks are red with little with lots of legs. They do not get big until they have sucked up what remaining blood is left by the bastard mosquitoes of the Northern plains.
If you have big hair it is suggested you wear a hat and not a beehive bouffant into the fields and grassy areas of the prairies.
If you come home and are sitting watching TV and one drops from your hair to your arm after coming back from an outing in the above mentioned landscape what you do is:
Grab it by your fingers and ask your partner or friend what a tick looks like. Once told, you scream and go, oh fuck, oh shit this is so fucking gross and you run outside and throw it cause you don't want to pinch it between your nails, because then you will have tick juice and that is even worse.
Then you stomp back inside and ask, why didn't you tell me there are fucking ticks here? Why am I the last to know?

Vacationing in Prince Albert Park

Let me first say that Northern Saskatchewan is absolutely beautiful country. The rolling wooded hills, with lakes and marshes is incredible. I could look at the slow moving streams and marshes as we drove north and never lost hope that I would see a moose. Unfortunately it was not the case this time. I did see a few elk and deer that were so used to humans you could get within 10 feet of them without them flinching. And to sit out on the porch of the cabin as the sun set around 9:30 at night and hear the loons calling each other made be grateful to be there.

Unfortunately it was hard to see the deer, or hear the loons from the hoards of hungry mosquitoes that as soon as I stepped outside the platoons of the blood thirsty bitches (because only the females are the blood suckers God knows what the males do while the females are fighting for the rights to our blood) come swarming in and it was hard to hear the loons from the continual slapping of my face and the buzzing in my ears. I now understand why the blood banks are constantly in need of blood donors, they are in direct competition with the billions of mosquitoes that live up here.

While driving up to the park Rose who was driving asked how far north have I ever been. I said, "This is the farthest North" 1 second passes "this is the farthest North" another second "This is the farthest North" She said Ok I get it. So I am very excited to say that I was up at the 53th Parallel. Which is pretty far north thank you.

Now let me say a word in defense of DEET the bug spray. After spending a weekend up there, if I was asked to inject this stuff into my veins, I would slap a tourniquet on my arm, slap the inside of my arm several times and find you a vein, cause those bugs have no mercy. I am not a wimp. We have them blood sucking flying freaks there, but June seems a particularly fine time for them.

I only got one mosquito bit the entire time I was there. But after considerable thought I think that the mosquitoes I met up with were from Fort McMurray Alberta. The buggers bit me once, only once yet I believe they all went to that one place and continued to feed off the vein, somewhat in the lines of an oil well.

I hope to visit again soon, with full body mosquito netting.

And truly there is nothing funnier then to watch your partner step outside and start slapping herself and yell out THESE BUGS ARE GOING TO MAKE ME GO INSANE. Really quite funny.

Quote from Mark Twain


He said that two of them could whip a dog, and that four of them could hold a man down; and except help come, they would kill him--"butcher him," as he expressed it. Referred in a sort of casual way--and yet significant way-- to "the fact that the life policy in its simplest form is unknown in Lake Providence--they take out a mosquito policy besides." He told many remarkable things about those lawless insects. Among others, said he had seen them try to vote. Noticing that this statement seemed to be a good deal of a strain on us, he modified it a little: said he might have been mistaken, as to that particular, but knew he had seen them around the polls "canvassing."- Life on the Mississippi

Rolling Stones Might Be Coming to Regina

The Leader Post's front page screamed the headlines about the chance that a rock group older the King Tut might come to Regina to perform. Would you go? I wouldn't for the simple reason that they charge from 40.00 to 150.00 and that is based on the Euro. Wouldn't be so bad if they gave maybe a bit away to good causes like Keith Richards getting a facial or a smoking cessation class, but they don't, they just keep coming back like a bad case of herpes.

Honestly if they do come, I suggest performing in Moose Jaw. At least there they would be performing in front of their own generation.

(For those of you not familiar with Moose Jaw their average age is 41, but in a town of 34,000 - 7600 are over the age of 60 which is 44%)

Right and for anyone thinking about being a groupie and sleeping with this guy, a good suggestion for the babies name would be Damian.

Tupperware is designed by aging ex-hippies

I went to a Tupperware party last night. What you exclaim, a hip person like you Claudia foraging into the world of High-Tech Plastics, what's up with that?. Now before you destroy the shrine you have built for me and snuff out the candles that you made in my likeness let me explain.

It was a guilt and I was fucking lonely Ok? Cause if you lived in a foreign country in a small town where there aren't any 6 degrees of separation here, you would lower yourself to the extreme of inviting yourself to an Amway meeting or even invite the frigging Mormon Missionaries over just so you can have a conversation.

So I went. For in my age group we were raised with the burping of Tupperware. As children our mothers would come home after their first Tupperware party with pale green and yellow bowls with lids and it was very, very important that you burp each time you put the lid on to get the excess air out which kept the food longer. All of us became experts in the art of burping, many of us went on to baby sitting because of this talent. I was not one of those baby sitting pros. I chose the root of cleaning horse stalls because I felt the urine from a horse was perferable to that of urine shooting out of a small penis into one's face after they have taken the diaper off. Ah but I digress let me get back to the subject of plastics.

Tupperware had other drawbacks in my day. Strangely lids or bowls would disappear leaving one with 13 lids and 8 bowls and you were lucky if you could find one that fit that hadn't been warped by scalding water or having it too close to the stove. And having the lid colour match the bowl, after about two weeks like who cared. Plus storing the 13 lids became a problem. No one wanted to open the door to the Tupperware cupboard for fear that they would have an avalanche of ugly plastic lids scattering across the floor. Where did the lids and/or bowls go too? Most likely they took off with the one sock you could never match and now live in Peru or Brazil or Newfoundland.

So I go to this party ready to burp away and I find that, they have dispensed with burping and are now new age. Well to say I was disappointed was an understatement. But to be bummed at a Tupperware Party is like being happy at a funeral. It isn't acceptable. So I listened to Aspen our very cool Tupperware Hostess Person and she shared with us something that proves to me that Tupperware is now designed and run by Ex-Hippies.

They have this boxes right with little air hole things that you can open and shut OK? And you put your fruits and vegetables in these containers depending on if they are deep breathers, mild breathers or don't breath at all (this made me very sad because that meant you were putting a poor apple or something into a box, shutting it - without burping it and the poor sucker would just suffocate). Yeah swear to God this is true. On the side of these plastic boxes in print (but not french I'm afraid) they will tell you which fruits or vegetables are what type of breathers. Yeah, I know I got excited too when I heard this, cause well I always thought I heard shit breathing in my fridge, but I said to myself, fuck that, that is just another frigging flashback and I will ignore it, I refused to believe that I had some pervert reading porn in my fridge.

See what I mean about needing to get out more.

Then I realized after Aspen told us about these breathing fruits and Veggies boxes (which I ordered cause Melinda got some humongous bowl that could feel a Mennayemminite family for weeks as a gift if we spent money). Oh yeah and Melinda is very cool, she knows how to throw a good party.

But, I was thinking see, back a couple of decades ago I took some drugs that made me think that my face was melting or the couch was trying to swallow me or that the peanut butter and jam sandwich that took me 3 hours to eat was really peanut butter and red corpusals. But during this time there were a few experiences where when looking at an apple or banana I carried on some pretty deep conversations with them. So of course they had to be breathing right? To be talking right? Which takes me back to Tupperware is run by Ex-Hippies, cause if fruits and veggies and breath, then Tupperware is making a fortune off of some massive flashbacks from chicks and dudes who were doing window pane acid in the 70's and 80's.

In conclusion, I signed up to host a Tupperware Party.

Hey I got 10 bucks off my order.

Of breathable fruit and veggie containers.

Oops must go, door bell rang, must be the Jehovah Witnesses here to convert me.

Are ya Ripe for the Picking or will ya be Left Behind?

For those of you who follow my blog you know I am a bit of a religious scholar. I was raised a Unitarian, became a Mormon at age 18 for two reasons, it was the only religion my parent really, really hated and the Mormons promise that if you are totally good and get married in the temple and where the special underwear that when you die you are given your own planet be a God over. There is no other religion that gives you those kind of perks. After joining softball I started drinking and smoking pot so that didn't quite fit in with the whole not drinking or drugging Mormon thing. Looking back I would have to say that softball is a the gateway sport to drinking and drugs. From there it was Born again Christian - Following the Native American way of life and ending up Born again Christian cause I just didn't get it right the first time I suppose. I found in the second time around in the Born again that they got me to speak in tongues. Not saying I don't believe that people can do that because I am sure that they can. I did find that I could also speak in tongues after drinking a bottle of tequila.

With this overview of my past religious training you all can see that I am as qualified as Pat Robertson or George Bush to say that I know what God wants for us. Now back to the subject of this post. The Being Left Behind series of books if you don't already know it are a series of book about what will happen when God decides to take all the God Fearing people home. I like to think of this as God Hoovering up his people into the sky, dumping out the humongous vacuum bag and dumping these people in heaven, along with several billion God Fearing Dust Puppies and Bunnies. Those of us who are left behind are just fucked for a couple of reasons.

1. We will be left with all the politicians
2. And all the CEO's of Oil and Gas companies

My greater fear when all this godly vacuuming happens is that I will be on a plane with a pilot who is a vacummee and then the plane goes down and I die. So I am thinking that before I board any plane I want to know if the pilot has a drug problem, cheats on his wife or something else that would leave him behind so I that feel safe in traveling. This goes with anyone in public transportation, I think it is our right to know if they have a potential of being sucked up and leaving us to be hurt or injured due to their suckability factor.

Which leads me to the real reason why I am posting today. In revelations there are several things are supposed to happen before the end of the world. 4 horseman riding around waving stuff and yelling at people (sounds like the RCMP to me) prime ministers that look somewhat like bobble-head dolls (this has come to pass I am sorry to say) and of course you have to study revelations very closely to find this passage but it is there if you look. It says

And there will come a day at the end of the days of this the end of this world at the end of time, somewhere around mid morning when thy will go to the Safeway on 13th Street in Regina and find the lowly vegetable merchants will speakth to the customer and say we have no zucchini for thee, we are short on zucchini. There are NO ZUCCHINI.

Frightening isn't it? Unheard of you say? I couldn't agree more, when in one's life has there ever been a shortage of zucchini? Never I say. Why do you think Adam and Eve left Eden? It was because they started 3 or 4 zucchini plants and they over took the garden to the point that all Adam and Eve had to eat was zucchini casserole, zucchini bread or fried, baked or sauteed zucchini. Those two went screaming out of Eden to get away from that vegetable. In today's world it is not unheard of to open your door and find a box of those bastard zucchini on your doorstep because some poor sod had two plants instead of one. Some say that is where the idea of Invasion of the Body Snatchers came from how quickly those bastard plants can grow.

So to go into the Safeway on 13th Street and be told that they ARE SHORT ON ZUCCHINI, let me know that time is short and that I should be prepared to get involved in the real estate market and stay off of all planes. For all of you who read this, I know you ain't going anywhere so get ready cause the signs of the end of the world or global warming whichever are a happening, so stock up on your zucchini if you can find any and if one day you are walking around and people are just being sucked up into the sky, remember you heard it here first.

It started with the lack of zucchini on the Safeway on 13th Street.

Birthday Parties with TWO YEAR OLDS

Being a non producing member of our society, as in not being a breeder I had forgotten the joy of being around 5 two year olds at my friends birthday party. The frollicking of the children as they play and scream and run about the room is something to behold. For me it was like being at a crack house with midgets high on meth.

This is not to say that I dislike children, as W.C. Fields said when asked "How do you like Children" he responded "They are very good with mustard". I am of not that extreme. I love children. I love seeing how they grow up and experience things for the first time. Usually I like to do this from a distance. Maybe it is because I come from an age where children were supposed to be seen and not heard. This was an easier time for mute children then those of us who could talk and scream, so to see so many children running and playing and eating can be a bit overwhelming for a non breeder such as myself. My father had techniques that he used on unruley children that today I find to be out dated and if caught would find me surrounded by many angry parents.

Beyond all that I had the most lovely time, until I found out that my friend whose birthday I was at was born in 1978. It was at that point that I informed her that if I had been a slut in high school I could be her mother.

It is hell being 46 but having the maturity level of 17.