Contact Lens

So I have contact lens. You would know if I was wearing contact lens because by the evening I am blinking my eyes every few minutes like a barn owl looking for mice but without that annoying twisting the head around, Exorcist thing, because that has nothing to do with wearing contacts. If anyone you know is twisting their heads completely around and blaming it on their contact lens, they are not only liars but they are possessed by the devil and you shouldn't hang with them unless you are a priest with issues with your mother. If by chance you do decide to hang with them, expect your dry cleaning bill will go through the roof because there is nothing harder to get out of a nice outfit then green pea soup puke.

(This is what happens when you sleep with your contacts in. Do not let this happen to you. The puking thing, well that is a whole other post)

I got contacts because I thought it would be easier then wearing glasses. Faulty logic is the foundation of most mistakes, fucked up and otherwise insane decisions. Examples - War in Iraq, thinking that because George W stands upright that he is human and therefore has common sense and that contact lens are comfortable alternative to glasses. Oh yeah it is much harder to put glasses on the bridge of the nose then it is to take these little bits of blue plastic stuff and then to somehow be able to touch your eyeball and have them stay in the eyeball. Yep those damn glasses are a pain in the ass.

It is also important to listen and read the instructions about the care and wearing of these evil bits of plastic. To not wash your hands before you put them against your eye can set you off for hours of glorious pain. Like who knew a bit of salt could act like a acetylene cutting torch ripping it's initials into your eyeball. Now some people would take them out immediately and clean them. No not me, I will continue to wear them until the time when I start turning my head around and around. Because to take them out is even more insane, to put two fingers against an eyeball and pull at what you think is the contact lens but really that delicate covering of your eyeball, whatever that is called and to not do it once but enough times so that your eye is bright red and tears are running down your face. That is insanity.

The other thing they don't discuss with you at the doctors office is what happens when you put them in the wrong eye. I did that the other day. Don't know how, but I did do it. Wondered why I was having problems reading and why being sober and all that I kept walking into walls. Didn't figure it out until that night after I took them out. Went to bed and dreamt that someone had dropped acid in my coffee and was on an all night acid trip. In the morning I deduced that somehow I switched the stupid bits of blue plastic.

So what have we learned today people?

Wash your hands often
don't use tabasco sauce unless you are planning on washing your hands a lot
If you are walking into walls, check that you didn't put your contacts in wrong or get your ass into treatment
If your friend's head is spinning like a children's top and she is saying disparaging remarks about your mother and puking, she is either possessed by the devil-
or a real bitchy bulimic
and in either case you might want to stay away from her.