How not to catch a cat

Cats wonderful, I love cats, I won't go to places that serve cat on their menu but at the same time I find cats thing about catch me, catch me I bet you can't catch me is a stupid game and one that I don't play well and if I win the cat will lose.
Saturday I accidentally let the cat out. Sushi hasn't been able to go outside since bitch dog Stella came north to live.

After spending the day with Barb's parents while she was doing her engineering presentation (inlaws are wonderful but ya have to be "on" all the time) I was finally saying goodbye to them, Shithead Sushi flew out the door. I chased she ran. I stopped and Barb's dad scared her out from underneath the car coming right towards me, she ran to the right so I swung around and took a very forceful lunge forgetting that there was a huge tree right behind me. I slammed into the tree and fell on my back. I got up not swearing because her parents are BAPTISTS and say heck not hell (and there is nothing wrong with Baptists or anyone else who is connected with a church in anyway, you just don't swear around Baptists or your partners parents) while Fuckhead Sushi runs towards the back of the house, where my bitch dog from the south is at, Sushi jumps up on the fence bordering our house and the renters house. Stella is so excited that I am running towards the backyard she doesn't notice piece of pussy shit Sushi standing on top of the fence. On the other side of the fence is the renters that have two big "cats are not our friends" dogs and fortunately for me they weren't there. So I go in their backyard where there is evil fuck for brains Sushi sitting there waiting for me. There were so many bones in the back yard I thought I had walked into the remains of either a mass murderer or a big old Orc party. I picked her up gently with my good arm and didn't kill her and didn't even say heck.

Also is it too much to ask that if the cat is going to go outside in her pen that we built her where she eats a bunch of grass, that she stays out there to do her bulimic thing instead of coming inside and finding the rug that I just washed and puking on that? Am I asking too much here?