It's Been So Long I Apologize

I know reading this blog brings a smile to you face and for most gives you a reason to get up in the morning so for those how haven't gotten up and gone to work because I haven't written in this blog all I can say is - that is really a pitiful excuse, it really is.

So I finally have faced some of the provinces red tape and boy am I so excited by it. I feel just like home except I'm not and they can deport me and being an alien isn't like a Steven Spielberg movie I can tell you that much. No glowing fingers, no funny voices, no trying to communicate with a customs agent from a big space craft with a bunch of pretty lights and organ music, it is none of that. What it is, is a total irritating piss me off pain in the ass. But then I guess that is their job, so damn it give them a raise or even better retire them so I can talk to some one who doesn't speak in a monotone voice droning on about rules and regulations.

So I am supposed to register my car, my tabs on car from Washington are expired at the end of March (please this is not a post about me and my procrastination issues) so I figured no problem. I would do them online and bingo get them sent to my parents house in the states and then beg my sister who doesn't talk to me to mail them to me. Easy enough. Then I find out I can't because I have have an emissions test to find out if my car is polluting the environment. It is a Toyota 4-runner of course it is polluting the environment. What car doesn't.

So I go on the Saskatchewan Licensing website call them up (they are totally nice and real people) and find out that I am supposed to turn over my license and plates within 90 days. Ok now I am not only an alien but I am illegal. But no problem go in, don't have to take a drivers test (really cool) and it is much cheaper then registering my car in the States. All I have to do is get my car checked out by customs and get a form

CUSTOMS - do I need to say more. So I get on the phone with someone who really doesn't want to be there or anywhere. One snowflake short of a blizzard if you know what I mean. I say I have a work visa for 6 months. He says not good enough I need one for one year. So what do I do I ask? You are illegal. I said but I have a work visa. He says get a letter from the company you are working for that says you have employment for one year. I go ok, so until I get that I can't get license, plates and am illegal. He grunts out yes.

I of course didn't tell him who I was or where I lived.

Problem is, I haven't gotten a job yet with this place I have been volunteering for 5 months. So I have to get job, get a letter then register my car. Until then I am illegal and stressed out.

So just thought I would share that with you.

More Canadian Etiquette and Survival

There are things Canadians will tell you and things you just need to learn on your own. I don't know if it is because Canadians are too polite to tell you or just their quirky sense of humour. First of all if you decide to wash your car follow these steps

1. Wash it before you see pieces of it fall off from rust.
2. Don't wash it if it is -20 Celsius
3. If you are stupid enough to do that really make sure when you go through the dryer part of the car wash you use up the entire allotted time
4. If you have done number two and not adequately done number 3 you will find out the "clear coat protection" they have offered is not wax, but a sheet of ice from which you have become entombed because you were stupid enough to do number 2 and now can't open your door without using tremendous physical force slamming your body against the inside of the door.
5. It also helps to check to see if you accidentally pushed the lock mechanism cause you have a really crappy head cold and took way too much Day Quil Cold Medicine.

Other car etiquette to be aware of; During the winter snow and ice or slush freeze up behind your tires to create huge lump of slush shit that you need to kick off because sometimes it infringes on you being able to turn your tires and that is bad. Because then you might be mistaken for an elderly driver from Moose Jaw and that is so not cool. This formation looks like this:

These snow turds as I like to call them need to be kicked off. But it totally rude and I mean totally rude to kick these things off at other people driveways, places of businesses or in the street in front of where they live.

Why you ask, it's only a combination of H20, mud, salt, oil, grease and maybe the odd pedestrian that you didn't see.

Because for some reason Canadians think you kicking your snow turds off on their property the same way as if you went to their house and didn't flush their toilet after using it.

The same way as if you didn't take your shoes off when you enter their home (everyone takes their shoes off, even the movers who bring furniture) they usually are missing a toe or two but it is rude to call them stubby.

The same way as if you let your 5 dogs use their front yard as a bathroom and not clean up after it.

Therefore if you come upon a situation where your car accidentally has left a snow turd behind, it is important to keep a box of these in your car at all times, so that you can pick them up and place them in the appropriate trash recycling bin or something like that.

Stay tuned for more breaking news on Canadian Etiquette as it happens

Using Aspartame causes your brain cells to die

Frighting information to hear. I just found this out the other night while I was being tortured by my in shape Pilate, core strengthening, smiling, evil instructor. She told me that I should cut out diet drinks because I would lose weight and because the crap was killing off my brain cells.

I knew it.

If I knew now what I knew then I wouldn't have given up the drinking, smoking of cigarettes and pot, acid, estasty, vicodin, speed, crank, cocaine, did I mention drinking? Oh yeah and mescaline, hash, drinking, falling down drinking, passing out drunk drinking.

Cause obviously none of that crap was killing all the brain cells it was that evil, satanic NutraSweet that was doing in my poor brain.

Nope it wasn't the bourbon that was offing my brain cells like crazy

It was the fucking diet coke.

The Neighbourhood Boys

Lucky us have learned a new game. It really is a fun game and I am sure all of you have played it once or twice in your life. It is called.

Running up to someones doorbell, ringing it and then running away.

So of course you go to the doorbell and no one is there.

Pretty funny stuff. I of course looked down thinking maybe it was one of those Jackrabbits trying to get money for Easter Seals or something.

So shut the door and get back to the important stuff - American Idol.

Thump, thump, thump, ding dong
Dogs go absolutely apeshit barking and running back and forth to the door.

Nope no kids, no jackrabbit, not even a lemming

I peek through the shade and there across the street are two street urchins hopping up and down like they have found a pot of gold. They stare at the house, I stare back through the the blinds.

They look both ways and it isn't like they even have anything to hide behind, they come charging towards the door for the third time like Custer's Last Stand.

I am waiting.

I have the door unlocked.

They come running up the steps, onto the porch and just as they are about to ring the door bell

I open up the door and scream BOOOO!!!!

As loud as I can.

And they run, oh do they run.

And I am left to watch the last 1/2 hour of American Idol in peace.