One Goal

I want to have 5,000 hits on my Blog by New Years Days. So I don't give a shit if you read my blog but if you really, really love me you will help me achieve this milestone.

And if you don't and I have to do by myself, well you all can just bugger off.

And I mean that in the most loving way, especially if you are a gay man.

Merry Happy Holiday, Christmas, Quanza, Chanukah, Pagan Day, Solstice

Well here you and I are, the dead zone between the gathering and giving of gifts and entrance of the New Year where amateur drinkers drink heavily and puke loudly. They spend excessive money to wear funny hats, blow silly horns that end up full of drool so when midnight comes along they go splattt instead of wheeeeee. Both sounds are equally irritating, but the splattt one is worse when you get a faceful of someones spit while they try without success to make a sound that is similar to a cow farting.

I being a recovering alcoholic find the new year pretty boring. I can go to a party and watch others make an ass of themselves. I being who I am can do this without the use of alcohol which is quite a talent. What is more pitiful is staying at home and hanging with Dick Clark who after having a stroke sounds like he has been drinking and bring the new year in with him. What will most likely happen is I will go to bed before midnight and wake up and go huh, it's 2007, right on.

This is also the time when we all prepare to make new years resolutions that will be forgotten once we find out that taking Carb blocker pills don't really work and you in fact have to exercise and lay off loaves of bread at lunch. There are those who decide to quit smoking or drinking and in fact they do quit both these things on New Years Days as they sleep off the night before. I am going to come up with 5 resolutions that I plan on putting on my Blog and with these 5 resolutions I will weekly keep you up to date on my progress. I might put up pictures or direct you to another blog where I am working on a project, but you will have to trust me that I will be honest with you as I work on these 5 resolutions. (This is one of those keep you coming back kind of things)

Other then that my session with Myrtle went well. If you think that crying for two hours over things that happened to you when you were a small child is a success. It didn't involve hot pokers to the eye, thank God. What I did is I was given two small pads that are charged with electricity. So they don't zap but buzz your hands, sort of like vibrators for midgets. I go back to a memory, the things buzz in my hands, I cry (not from the buzzers) and then recount the memory, we discuss, go back to the memory and look at it from a different point of view and so and so forth. Taking the energy out the memory I suppose. I didn't leave there with any wows or new realizations since I have been doing this therapy for about forever though I did back into their fence since I was rather spaced out. I think going though these memories gets kind of old after awhile. Everyone has had shit in their lives, some when they where children, some when they were adults. At some point it is about moving on, letting go and becoming responsible for the life I have today. My grief over daddy dying will take a long time to heal, but my life can't come to a screeching halt because of it.

That is why I am so excited about the Christmas Present I got from Barb - it's a 4 month course in beginning acting with a performance at the end of the course in May. That is like a dream come true, it gives me hope and directs my energy to something I love. I can use my humour, doing stand up and my weirdness in a positive and great way.

So yes today I have hope for my future. Now if only I could get rid of my frigging cold that I have had since last Saturday I would be so very happy.

Next Post - my New Years Resolutions and the do's and don'ts of creating your own list.

Today is the Day

Well since I know you all are sitting waiting ever so patiently to find out what happened with Myrtle and I, which sounds like an awfully good title for a book, but something dramatic would have to be happening and it's just therapy, but you say yeah, therapy, you talk, ya cry, ya laugh and you leave. Well not this therapy nope. First of all I was referred by an EAP (employee assistance program) and they only provide you will like enough visits to get you through a crisis. So when I say Myrtle and unfortunately her last name isn't Muggles, but for you and I it will always be Muggles am I right? Can I have a hallelujah? Thank you. When I went for my first visit she said, usually they only allow one visit for a diagnosis but for you Claudia they are giving you the entire 7 visits! Can I have a praise Jesus from the crowd? Thank you. So it always helps to be over the top losing it to get the full value of your buck.

Today I have a two hour session. Why two hours? Cause we are doing this process called EMDR or also called Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing. Big words, but what the hell is it? Well from what I gather and I am sure this is all ass backwards, your brain carries memories, good bad and ugly. When you have had a bit of trauma in your life your brain passages get all screwed up and hold onto that energy and you keep going back to it and reliving it so with this process when you go back to a painful memory your eyes start twitching and like you are in a horror movie and then the therapist does something and you do something and then somehow the energy is released or your brain finds a new path to travel instead of going back to that shit and you get all better. Much like an enema for the brain.

Now in the past they tried different methods connected to the eyes and memories. Long time ago the therapists or sadists would stick a hot poker close to your eye and say, you think you felt like shit then, well that ain't nothing like you are going to feel now with this thing in your eye. This did work somewhat, it was true that you immediately forgot anything traumatic in your past and did focus on just today and this moment. But they found that after both eyes were poked out, that the patient rarely came back for more visits and anyway, anyone foolish enough to come back after their first eye was poked out with a red hot poker had bigger problems then just an eye poking could fix.

From there came using ice picks for lobotomies that also went through the eye but didn't blind the person but also left them with the eye cue of George W Bush, they gave up on that and now today we have this EMDR thingy.

So in less then 1/2 hour I will have a brain clean thing happening. I hope that I don't leave acting like a Stepford/Saskatoon Wife and wear dresses with pearls when I vacuum.

Myrtle Muggle

Having been a bit stressed out of late I found that spending all day long playing computer games and watching Dr. Phil I realized that even as bad off as I am, I am not fucked up enough to get on his show. Dr. Phil is the Jerry Springer of the middle class social scene. When I do go out it is to take Barb and Chasidy to work, pick them up and if lucky I go to the butcher where I see all those slabs of meat and think to myself, well at least they aren't alone. Well you tell me, could it get any worse then that to think that a piece of dead meat has more company then me? I agree totally with your conclusion is that the stress and changes I have made in my life have caught up with me and I am in need of a bit of professional care. So I call the EAP (Employee Assistance Program) where Barb works. They are always very kind with that very soft , let's get off the ledge kind of voice and they ask a few questions. Well because my father died, I can't work, I don't have any close friends, I feel isolated and I hate shoveling snow. This last one was what made the young woman realize I needed immediate assistance. So she asked what do you want from a therapist and I said, someone who isn't homophobic and will throw stone at me in a small office and someone with a sense of humour.

I get a call back from the clinic with the name of my temporary therapist. And what is her name? Get a clue I put it in the subject line - Myrtle Muggle. Now for anyone who has never seen a Harry Potter Movie then you might as well quit reading here because you probably won't get the humour in this.

I asked for someone with a sense of humour, not someone who is not only a Muggle - I mean I really need some magic here not your basic Muggle. But I get a Myrtle Muggle and as everyone knows (except for those of you who haven't watched the movie and I asked you politely the first time to quit reading kay?) Moaning Myrtle was the young woman who hung out in the woman's bathroom in the school and caused all sorts of mischief.

I am not one to judge someone before I meet them, but I mean what should I expect. Someone with a tight perm, sensible shoes and glasses.

I mean it is all rather funny to think that off all the people I could have as a therapist I get someone with such an astounding name.

So next Tuesday I will be meeting the one and only Myrtle Muggle for a few sessions.

I do hope she can give me some pointers on shoveling snow.

The Stress Test

Below is a list of stressful events in one's life. Find the ones that fit for you, add them up and then become even more stressed out or depressed. Follow me as I count up my stress factors and see what my score is:

The Impact of Life Crises, and How to Minimise Them
Life crises such as death of a spouse, divorce or bankruptcy can disrupt even the best stress management regime.
Different life crises have different impacts. In many cases, however, it may be possible to anticipate crises and prepare for them. It may also be useful to recognise the impact of crises that have occurred so that you can take account of them appropriately.

Some very interesting work in this area has been done by Drs T H Holmes and R H Rahe, with the Social Readjustment Scale. This allocates a number of 'Life Crisis Units' (LCUs) to different events, so that you can evaluate them and take action accordingly. While this approach is obviously a simplification of complex situations, using LCUs can give you a useful start in adjusting to life crises.

The idea behind this approach is to run down the LCU table, totalling the LCUs for life crises that have occurred in the previous 2 years. As a rule of thumb, you may anticipate some form of serious mental or physical effects of the crises according to the following table:


Life Crisis Units and the Probability of Illness

LCUs Probability of illness

300 80%+
200-299 50%
150-199 33%

The LCU table is shown below:


Life Crisis Scoring Table

Event LCUs
Death of spouse 100 Nope
Divorce 73 Nope
Separation 65 Nope
Jail term 63 Running from the law
Death of close family member 63 Yes
Personal illness or injury 53 Nope
Marriage 50 Yes
Fired at work 47 Nope
Marital reconciliation 45 Nope
Retirement 45 Nope
Change in health of family member 44 Yes
Pregnancy 40 Hell no
Sex difficulties 39 Nope
Gain of new family member 39 Nope
Business readjustment 38 Nope
Change in financial state 38 Yes, yep and uh huh
Death of close friend 37 Nope
Change to a different line of work 36 Yes
Change in number of arguments with spouse 35 Nope
A large mortgage or loan 30 Kinda
Foreclosure of mortgage or loan 30 Nope
Change in responsibilities at work 29 No job
Son or daughter leaving home 29 Nope
Trouble with in-laws 29 They love me
Outstanding personal achievement 28 Hardly
Spouse begins or stops work 26 Yes
Begin or end of school or college 26 I wish
Change in living conditions 25 Yes
Change in personal habits 24 Yes
Trouble with boss 23 I wish
Change in work hours or conditions 20 Once again no job
Change in residence 20 Yes
Change in school or college 20 Nope
Change in recreation 19 Learning to freeze
Change in church activities 19 Going to burn in hell
Change in social activities 18 Yes
A moderate loan or mortgage 17 Yes
Change in sleeping habits 16 No
Change in number of family get-togethers 15 Yes
Change in eating habits 15 I wish
Holiday 13 Fucking yes
Christmas 12 Fuck yes
Minor violations of law 11 Shhhh

Where you are in danger of suffering the ill effects of life crises, try to minimise the disturbance to your life. If, for example, you have lost someone close to you, try to avoid changing your job.

If you have a high score, or know that you will have a high score in the future, it may be worth pre-empting any problems by adopting stress management strategies now. Look after yourself.


Ok let's add them up together shall we?
We have:
63+50+44+38+30+26+25+24+20+19+18+15+13+12
Ok for you math wizards you probably can count this in your head. Obviously since I am so stressed out I can't so I shall use the calculator to find out how near death I am:

adding.......

Other things that can add stress is using a calculator that is used by engineers. Any calculator that has stuff for calculus is evil.

And the grand total is:

397
Impressive huh? Of course I am disappointed which makes me stressed out that I couldn't even hit 400, but let see what does it mean that I am at 397?

So it says here over 300 and I have a probability of an illness befalling me. But they do all this studying and then don't even give us a head up on what kind of illness might land on our doorstep.

Will it be?
Leporsy
a bad hair day, week or month

I can't even imagine. But tis important to remember that I have control over how I react to people, places and things and just because I am at the top of my class when it comes to stress.

At least I'm not part of the Conservative Party.

It's M Damnit Not N

To protect Brenda I didn't use her last name but only her initial. My paranoia has obviously gotten worse because her last name does not start with an "N" but with an "M".

I stand corrected.

Stella meets Peter the Porcupine

Gather round boys and girls for the continuing adventures of Stella. Stella coming from the great northwest was known far and wide for her grand cat hunting abilities. The cats feared her and she was strong and proud of her prowess and strength.

Stella wanting to go on an adventure to prove to other lands how powerful she was moved to Northern Saskatchewan knowing the cats would shake with fear from just the mention of her name. But when she moved into her new home she was at first baffled, then alarmed and frightened of the cats up north. For every time the meowed behind a closed door or their paws would appear from underneath a door, her owner would whisk her away into another room a close the door. This happened so often that soon every time that Stella the fierce cat hunter would her a meow her ears would press back into her head and she would run to her room, knowing that these cats must be strong and maybe could hurt her. But she knew that even if she was hurt she would win because she was STELLA the CAT HUNTER

Her owner wanting to go running took both Stella and the lab Sara for a run in the snow yesterday. They ran to a small park and the owner thought it would be safe since no one else was there to let them run in the snow. She let Stella go and then Sara, but a second later what did she see boys and girls? Stella had found what looked like a stray cat underneath a tree and was trying to bite it. The owner wanting to save the cat yelled NO!, as she ran closer and she saw this was no small forlorn cat but Peter the Porcupine out for a morning walk. Stella was easily pulled away from Peter and the owner saw that her face was full of quills sticking out of her tongue and lips and mouth. The owner thought to herself about the old joke and not realizing she said outloud; someone said to a woman if you had as many pricks sticking out of you as you have had stuck in you, you would be a porcupine.

Jimmy raised his hand "I don't understand what does that mean Ms. Manning".

Never mind Jimmy and quit interrupting.

So the owner grabs Stella and Sara and runs as fast as a quilled up dog and a 10 year old lab can run in snow and ice back to the house. She jumps in her car with Stella and runs off to the vet. Arriving at the vet one of the thin 19 year old assistants ask, how did she find a porcupine? Well I was running with her. The young thin woman exclaimed that was daring of you to go running in this weather. The owner responded. No what was daring is showing up here in public in my tight running pants and long underwear.

So 20+ quills later and 130.00 dollars Stella came home safe and sound.

Now what did we learn from this boys and girls? Ms. Manning pointed at one of the students - "Yes Suzy" - Suzy all sweetness and light said "that porcupines can hurt?"

"Yes that is true but what else ?" said Ms. Manning.

That maybe Stella might think that porcupines are really big ass killer cats and she won't bother cats anymore. Jimmy yelled out "Don't say that word in class Jimmy, and yes we can be hopeful of that."

But what is the most important lesson learned by this story children? The children looked up at her with blank faces.

That exercising is very, very bad for you.

The End

P.S. What is the most disturbing part of this entire story is that I wanted to take a picture of Stella with quills covering her mouth for this Blog. That my friend is bad, bad, bad.