My stages of grief

No one knows how to do the grief. I have found there are no right ways to do it and I jump around like a Mexican jumping bean with them so that isn't so much fun. These are the five stages in case you are interested:

Denial (this isn't happening to me!)
Anger (why is this happening to me?)
Bargaining (I promise I'll be a better person if...)
Depression (I don't care anymore)
Acceptance (I'm ready for whatever comes)

Being a type A personality I have found that I work well with just a few. Anger and Depression and therapists say that anger is just depression turned inward. Which means I am doing both of them at the same time - snarling, crying, hating, crying, crying and crying. Hard to deny that a parent is dead. I have moments when I don't think about the impact it has on my life and then I see a beautiful sunset or when I see the ice flows moving down the river and I think Daddy would think that is interesting and then I remember that he isn't around to talk to anymore. That thing about having tears stuck in your throat is true. The last time I talked to Daddy was when I called and he answered the phone (he only answered if he was passing by and he did it to shut up the insistent ringing) excitedly I told him about seeing the Northern Lights the night before and how that was one of the things that I always wanted to see in my life. We talked about his experiences seeing them and it wasn't deep or profound but we connected. Finding things to connect with my father about wasn't easy but a pleasure when I found them.

Not being able to go home was awful, knowing that they are going to have a memorial for him that I won't be able to attend really pisses me off (as you can see I am staying within the 5 stages, if you leave the 5 stages before doing all of them I believe you become emotionally stunted.)

My mother wants me to reach out to my one sister and make things right. I don't think that this is like the best time, cause emotions running high and if she is anything like me we are both doing the same to stages, if we talk while we are both doing anger. Well resolution and reconciliation ain't going to happen. Plus I found that she has a MYSPACE site where she puts her age at 42, let's see I am 47 she is 5 years older then me so she is being so internetish.

I am not writing anything deep here. This isn't worthy of much more then me pulling some of the shit out of my head and onto the Internet.

Oh yeah and they forgot the stage of grief where you turn into a pregnant termite and eat everything in the cupboards including the cardboard packaging.