Hey Safeway on 13th Fix the Frigging Door

I am at that age where if I look ahead I see most people in walkers and if I look behind me the other half are in strollers. That is one reason I like Regina, I feel young. Hell when I run I am passing people right and left, mostly in walkers and yes I do most of my running circling the senior citizen centers but, you have to stay positive and get your exercise. And it is because the median age of a Reginonian is 95 that I write this letter of protest to the Safeway on 13th Avenue. If you have been following my blog you are aware that we have had other issues with this rogue store, like having parking border guard checking to see that if you park in their parking lot you shop in their parking lot. Amazing enough through the use of angry "How are we Doing? comment cards from irate individuals - OK it was one person Tracy the Butcher of 13th street as we fondly think of her who wrote like a gazillion of them using false names like Racy and Tacy and Traci with an "i". So scared the main office in Calgary they sent the poor guy packing to the oil fields of Fort McMurry where he was never heard from again.

So you can see this store has problems. The latest one that cropped up was when I went shopping on Saturday. I have had a rough time of it. I got in a traffic jam when 4 people ended up at a 4 way stop at the same time. Canadians are so polite no one would go first, they just kept waving their hands and shooing forward the other person, the other person would wave no, no you go first really, be my guest. After a couple of minutes of this I waved them all off with my gun and drove to the store.

I am not the most graceful person in the world and I hate to have it advertised, like I don't wear shirts that say, warning klutz. But I do occasionally do uncoordinated things. On Saturday I walk up to the automatic door at Safeway and BAM I find out it is not automatic because it doesn't move, oh well it did move by the forward thrust of my body and my nose against the glass, but by no means was it automatic. Then I proceed to push and with some force because you see there is an inner door due to the cold weather up here, which causes a vacuum seal so you push and push and then the vacuum seal breaks and then I almost fall through the other side. After this it hard to gather ones wits about oneself to continue on with ones shopping.

Now a note on the door could have been helpful saying it was broken and you had to push. It was a nice day the could have propped it open. Did they? No and what was the result? There is nothing funny about a pile of elderly people walkers strewn everywhere in front of the door, feebly pounding on the glass begging to get in. What was even more difficult was to climb over them to get out with my groceries.

So Safefuckingway, shape up and get that damn door fixed or I will send the butcher of 13th street to visit you.

Regina Social Scene

I have been here since September of last year and trying to work hard at breaking into the social structure of the Regina community. You may say, we are a friendly people and would help anyone stuck in the snow or if they had fallen through the ice and I would agree. But there is a big difference between saving someones life and being invited to dinner and I have finally discovered the secret of Regina. They best way for me to explain it is to use the diagram of a human cell. As you can see each cell has it's own nucleus which we will call your family and close circle of friends Around it other stuff that would make this too complicated so let us just say the lysosome would be your work, the ER is the shopping malls you go too, the golgi is your neighborhood, the squiggly black lines are either bugs or conflicts you are having and the lining around it is the Regina Ring road. See how simple this is?

Now in Regina everyone has their own cell they live in. Not a terrorist cell because that is different and involves bombs and guns and bad attitudes. No I am talking about the normal Reginain. They work hard at creating these cells and feel very comfortable in them. They are usually in a relationship of some kind and it is very nice and very few conflicts or squiggly lines. You following me? Now this is where it gets a bit more complicated. If you get divorced or break up with your partner, someone has to leave that cell and find their own new cell to hang in. You can take your job, your malls and your ring road (unless you move to Saskatoon then you can't) and create a new life. But as soon as you leave your cell you are now considered a free floating cell and you could be considered a danger to the other cells and not accepted. Some cells might consider you cancerous and that you would cause damage to their cells causing more squiggly lines (this would be bad, because that means you would cause strife in their cell or you don't bath and have bugs following you is just not good in any situation).

Sometimes cells merge mostly through marriage. This isn't a bad thing unless you had a bad break up with someone who knows someone from another cell and then you can expect years of squiggly lines to be in your life, unless that person falls through the ice and no one saves them. Now the dangers of cell merges is that you might introduce a friend to another friend thinking that you all can be friends. But then they become best friends and your cell is excluded and you are just sitting there stewing in your cell while their cells are going out partying. Personally I would say fuck their cells.

If you are from the United States and try to push your way into a cell, it just doesn't work. They might invite you over once or twice but will most likely count their silver after you leave and they wonder to themselves how can you be so stupid to have voted in George W. Bush twice. They never believe that you didn't vote for that lunatic.

In conclusion cell life can be great fun unless you of course have the squiggly line issue. It is always important to take good care of your cell and for God sakes if you are going to be foolish enough to sleep around, don't do it in your cell or else you will end up having to move to Weyburn or Moose Jaw.

Canadians and their Shopping Carts

And up here, Canadians are very nice but they don't trust you for shit when it comes to their shopping carts. So they have this stupid ass contraption where you shove a quarter in the handle push it in with this key thing and it is released from it's chain gang existence locked together with all those other poor carts. I refuse to put the quarter in for one good reason.

I still have a hard time figuring out how to do it, so I look like I have the shakes or am amazingly uncoordinated and I refuse to do that sober.

So I get a basket to buy a few things

I manage to get 33 items in the basket accidentally the bananas and eggs are at the bottom and I forget one fucking item all the way across the store in the veggie department. By this time it weighs so much I am dragging it through the store looking like I am the hunch back of Notre Dame, (to let you know I tried kicking it once or twice but there was the egg/banana issue and it hurt my toes when I kicked it) or the Elephant Man and I am looking around hoping there might be a Sherpa just back from Everest for hire.

No such luck

So I pull a muscle in my arm, but fuck if I looked stupid trying to put that fucking quarter in that stupid fucking slot in the grocery cart.

What I should do is get a bunch of quarters and go out there at night and release the carts so they can roam free and run into cars in the parking lots and stuff.

How not to catch a cat

Cats wonderful, I love cats, I won't go to places that serve cat on their menu but at the same time I find cats thing about catch me, catch me I bet you can't catch me is a stupid game and one that I don't play well and if I win the cat will lose.
Saturday I accidentally let the cat out. Sushi hasn't been able to go outside since bitch dog Stella came north to live.

After spending the day with Barb's parents while she was doing her engineering presentation (inlaws are wonderful but ya have to be "on" all the time) I was finally saying goodbye to them, Shithead Sushi flew out the door. I chased she ran. I stopped and Barb's dad scared her out from underneath the car coming right towards me, she ran to the right so I swung around and took a very forceful lunge forgetting that there was a huge tree right behind me. I slammed into the tree and fell on my back. I got up not swearing because her parents are BAPTISTS and say heck not hell (and there is nothing wrong with Baptists or anyone else who is connected with a church in anyway, you just don't swear around Baptists or your partners parents) while Fuckhead Sushi runs towards the back of the house, where my bitch dog from the south is at, Sushi jumps up on the fence bordering our house and the renters house. Stella is so excited that I am running towards the backyard she doesn't notice piece of pussy shit Sushi standing on top of the fence. On the other side of the fence is the renters that have two big "cats are not our friends" dogs and fortunately for me they weren't there. So I go in their backyard where there is evil fuck for brains Sushi sitting there waiting for me. There were so many bones in the back yard I thought I had walked into the remains of either a mass murderer or a big old Orc party. I picked her up gently with my good arm and didn't kill her and didn't even say heck.

Also is it too much to ask that if the cat is going to go outside in her pen that we built her where she eats a bunch of grass, that she stays out there to do her bulimic thing instead of coming inside and finding the rug that I just washed and puking on that? Am I asking too much here?

The Running of the Lemmings

The big thaw has happened. The birds are arriving by the dozens, skittering to a landing on a still partially frozen lake. The jack rabbits hopefully have started to turn brown or they are sitting ducks for predators like coyotes, foxes and fast moving sports cars. Regina will be having the annual running of the lemmings in the next couple of weeks which to people from Regina is the true beginning of Spring to the old timers. This custom began back in the 1800's when cabbage rolls were just nuggets and bunny hugging was still legal in the cold northern outposts of Saskatchewan. Saskatchewan has always been known for it's yearly migration of lemmings from the south to the north where they feed and have their offspring. Come fall they are all fattened up and hardly for their long track back to Phoenix Arizona where they stay in air conditioned trailers with gravel lawns. But come spring the whole city is comes alive with the excitement and the rush of the running of the lemmings.

You first see them come through town in ones or twos, the evening news makes it the lead story of the night. Lordy, lordy the lemmings have landed. Well the thrill that rushes through your body when you hear those words is like rolling up the rim of a Tim Horton's cup and finding that you won a car or a free cup of coffee, it is that kind of rush. From the first sighting on the town kicks into high gear. People pull out their Lemming outfits from last year. The police are put on extra patrol but have to driver very slowly so as not to run down the lemmings and of course they shut off Victoria Street for the running. It is different then the running of the bulls in Spain in that 1) lemmings have no horns and 2) you don't have to be macho to run with the lemmings you just need to watch where you place your feet so it is takes more grace then this:


These are mostly mean who feel that by dressing in red that it attracts the bulls to them and makes the running more exciting and they look more macho. Big clue for these guys, if you are running on a narrow street with bulls behind you the chances is that they are just trying to get the hell out of there instead of going after you specifically you big old macho guy you wearing that sexy red sash.

When it comes to the Running of the Lemmings, they block of the street of course because who wants to clean up the corpses of hundreds of lemmings that have become bits of furry carpet because of the cars. No we block it off to pedestrians only and only for one day. The day starts with a pancake and cabbage roll breakfast put on by the mayor. Then we take to the streets about 9am after the lemmings have woken up and are on the move, here is a picture of the last Running of the Lemmings:


As you can see by this picture that the it truly is a spectacle that no one should miss if they come to Regina in the Spring time.

My need to leave now for a fitting of my lemming outfit for this will be my first one and I want to look very lemmingish.

Next blog will be about what a springtime thaw looks like if you procrastinated when it came to cleaning up dog dropping from the backyard.

Until then Happy Spring!

It's Been So Long I Apologize

I know reading this blog brings a smile to you face and for most gives you a reason to get up in the morning so for those how haven't gotten up and gone to work because I haven't written in this blog all I can say is - that is really a pitiful excuse, it really is.

So I finally have faced some of the provinces red tape and boy am I so excited by it. I feel just like home except I'm not and they can deport me and being an alien isn't like a Steven Spielberg movie I can tell you that much. No glowing fingers, no funny voices, no trying to communicate with a customs agent from a big space craft with a bunch of pretty lights and organ music, it is none of that. What it is, is a total irritating piss me off pain in the ass. But then I guess that is their job, so damn it give them a raise or even better retire them so I can talk to some one who doesn't speak in a monotone voice droning on about rules and regulations.

So I am supposed to register my car, my tabs on car from Washington are expired at the end of March (please this is not a post about me and my procrastination issues) so I figured no problem. I would do them online and bingo get them sent to my parents house in the states and then beg my sister who doesn't talk to me to mail them to me. Easy enough. Then I find out I can't because I have have an emissions test to find out if my car is polluting the environment. It is a Toyota 4-runner of course it is polluting the environment. What car doesn't.

So I go on the Saskatchewan Licensing website call them up (they are totally nice and real people) and find out that I am supposed to turn over my license and plates within 90 days. Ok now I am not only an alien but I am illegal. But no problem go in, don't have to take a drivers test (really cool) and it is much cheaper then registering my car in the States. All I have to do is get my car checked out by customs and get a form

CUSTOMS - do I need to say more. So I get on the phone with someone who really doesn't want to be there or anywhere. One snowflake short of a blizzard if you know what I mean. I say I have a work visa for 6 months. He says not good enough I need one for one year. So what do I do I ask? You are illegal. I said but I have a work visa. He says get a letter from the company you are working for that says you have employment for one year. I go ok, so until I get that I can't get license, plates and am illegal. He grunts out yes.

I of course didn't tell him who I was or where I lived.

Problem is, I haven't gotten a job yet with this place I have been volunteering for 5 months. So I have to get job, get a letter then register my car. Until then I am illegal and stressed out.

So just thought I would share that with you.

More Canadian Etiquette and Survival

There are things Canadians will tell you and things you just need to learn on your own. I don't know if it is because Canadians are too polite to tell you or just their quirky sense of humour. First of all if you decide to wash your car follow these steps

1. Wash it before you see pieces of it fall off from rust.
2. Don't wash it if it is -20 Celsius
3. If you are stupid enough to do that really make sure when you go through the dryer part of the car wash you use up the entire allotted time
4. If you have done number two and not adequately done number 3 you will find out the "clear coat protection" they have offered is not wax, but a sheet of ice from which you have become entombed because you were stupid enough to do number 2 and now can't open your door without using tremendous physical force slamming your body against the inside of the door.
5. It also helps to check to see if you accidentally pushed the lock mechanism cause you have a really crappy head cold and took way too much Day Quil Cold Medicine.

Other car etiquette to be aware of; During the winter snow and ice or slush freeze up behind your tires to create huge lump of slush shit that you need to kick off because sometimes it infringes on you being able to turn your tires and that is bad. Because then you might be mistaken for an elderly driver from Moose Jaw and that is so not cool. This formation looks like this:

These snow turds as I like to call them need to be kicked off. But it totally rude and I mean totally rude to kick these things off at other people driveways, places of businesses or in the street in front of where they live.

Why you ask, it's only a combination of H20, mud, salt, oil, grease and maybe the odd pedestrian that you didn't see.

Because for some reason Canadians think you kicking your snow turds off on their property the same way as if you went to their house and didn't flush their toilet after using it.

The same way as if you didn't take your shoes off when you enter their home (everyone takes their shoes off, even the movers who bring furniture) they usually are missing a toe or two but it is rude to call them stubby.

The same way as if you let your 5 dogs use their front yard as a bathroom and not clean up after it.

Therefore if you come upon a situation where your car accidentally has left a snow turd behind, it is important to keep a box of these in your car at all times, so that you can pick them up and place them in the appropriate trash recycling bin or something like that.

Stay tuned for more breaking news on Canadian Etiquette as it happens

Using Aspartame causes your brain cells to die

Frighting information to hear. I just found this out the other night while I was being tortured by my in shape Pilate, core strengthening, smiling, evil instructor. She told me that I should cut out diet drinks because I would lose weight and because the crap was killing off my brain cells.

I knew it.

If I knew now what I knew then I wouldn't have given up the drinking, smoking of cigarettes and pot, acid, estasty, vicodin, speed, crank, cocaine, did I mention drinking? Oh yeah and mescaline, hash, drinking, falling down drinking, passing out drunk drinking.

Cause obviously none of that crap was killing all the brain cells it was that evil, satanic NutraSweet that was doing in my poor brain.

Nope it wasn't the bourbon that was offing my brain cells like crazy

It was the fucking diet coke.

The Neighbourhood Boys

Lucky us have learned a new game. It really is a fun game and I am sure all of you have played it once or twice in your life. It is called.

Running up to someones doorbell, ringing it and then running away.

So of course you go to the doorbell and no one is there.

Pretty funny stuff. I of course looked down thinking maybe it was one of those Jackrabbits trying to get money for Easter Seals or something.

So shut the door and get back to the important stuff - American Idol.

Thump, thump, thump, ding dong
Dogs go absolutely apeshit barking and running back and forth to the door.

Nope no kids, no jackrabbit, not even a lemming

I peek through the shade and there across the street are two street urchins hopping up and down like they have found a pot of gold. They stare at the house, I stare back through the the blinds.

They look both ways and it isn't like they even have anything to hide behind, they come charging towards the door for the third time like Custer's Last Stand.

I am waiting.

I have the door unlocked.

They come running up the steps, onto the porch and just as they are about to ring the door bell

I open up the door and scream BOOOO!!!!

As loud as I can.

And they run, oh do they run.

And I am left to watch the last 1/2 hour of American Idol in peace.

I would like you to meet my Butcher

Regina is full of interesting people and places. So far I have shown you where rabbits tread and where I get my hair cut. I have taken you up north where the women shinny in the winter, as compared to strippers who shimmy all year round.

So now I think it is time for you to meet my butcher. Well, she isn't exactly my very own butcher. Now that sounds pretty possessive like I am from the United States, or something. Which I am, but I am really trying to change, really. Tracy is her name and cutting and chopping is her game. Somewhat like my hair stylist, but she uses a cleaver instead of scissors. Which is not to say that Tara chops at my hair, or that I find hair in meat I buy from Tracy, just saying that they both have a "T" in their name and that I know them and that is saying a lot that I know two people. To be truthful, I know more then two people. So when someone says my name on the street I don't scream quite as often and cry out "I'm one of the nice people from the US". That is embarrassing, since I am finding out that to scream or cry out in Regina is frowned upon unless it is during a curling game and you have a broom and you are "hurrying hard". If you have been watching the curling competition during the Olympics you would know what I am talking about. Though, when the Finnish yell "hurry hard" it doesn't sound anything like the team from Newfoundland when they yell it out. Sounds more like "hoppuilla kovasydäminen!"

Back to the neighborhood butcher, Tracy. Funny, in the northwest when we say neighborhood butcher we usually mean a serial killer. Funny huh? OK, not funny ha ha, more like funny weird, or funny if you are sick in the head funny. But Tracy is truly a cool person. Do you know what her favorite band is? Yes. Not yes, I know what it is, though I do know who it is, it is "YES" and for those of you who are young and shouldn't be reading this blog anyway they are a band from the 80's. Now it is important to know who her favorite band is and to never say anything bad about this band otherwise they have "special cuts" of meat wink, wink, nudge, nudge, if you know what I mean. You know meat that neighs if it were alive kind of meat.

So Tracy's family owns the Butcher Boys Meat Shop and it is in the Cathedral Area of Regina, which is the very hip place where people like Kim (I won't say her last name to protect her innocence), who is my friend, lives. Well, she is really Barb's friend more then mine, but I am pretending she is my friend even though she runs a lot when it is really cold out and is cute and thin. I have decided she can still be my friend. Yep, I know, I am a pretty cool person.

So, but here is the heads up. Tracy is at war with Safeway across the street. Not like she is going to bomb the meat department or anything like that, but here is the gossip. See, her place is right across the street and sometimes people, now this might freak you out, will actually park in the Safeway parking lot - and get this - walk across the street and buy meat from her shop. I know, crazy, huh? So Safeway knows this and this is where it gets really gross. They have a guy standing outside all day and watching the parking lot to see that only Safeway shoppers use it. Now since he is Canadian, he doesn't do anything about it, but everyone can see him and his beady eyes looking perturbed at them. Pretty nasty stuff eh?

He looks just like this except he is wearing a toque and his lips are a bit redder.

So Tracy knows this and is writing to Safeway using those "How Are We Doing" customer satisfaction cards to let them know just what she thinks of their "enforcer".

I will keep you up to date as this all plays out, but man if I were you I would stay the hell away from that Safeway parking lot on 13th Avenue if I were you, cause it could be a nasty war of comment cards.

Who are the Idiots

The group that I threw everything into and called idiots - I will admit I included a few Christians - but mostly they include people like Ted Nugent, who only wrote one song and it pretty much sucked - Cat Scratch Fever. Really, let's hum along... cat scratch fever, duh, duh, du, duh. Stupid. The group of idiots include those who want to drill for oil in the Arctic National Refuge. Those, and you know who the freaking hell you are, who kill big game animals that are endangered, don't eat the meat and stick their heads on the wall in the living room. Ya freaks. As Ellen DeGeneres says, sorry if I paraphrase here, "why do people put animal heads on their walls; they say cause they like them", she says, "well I like my momma, but you don't see her head on a wall."

Others in the idiot group:
* Those that put their greed ahead of saving what is left of our wild spaces.
* Those that go to church on Sunday in their Hummers. Ah hell, anyone who drives a Hummer that isn't fighting a war we shouldn't be in.
* Those who don't care about the future as long as they can botox now.
* Anyone who chooses to go on Fear Factor.
* Anyone whose goal in life is to get on the Jerry Springer Show - by the way if your two timing boy friend says, "guess what, we get to go on the Jerry Springer Show to talk about how much we love each other", you should probably expect a transvestite midget to be involved and make sure you wear something revealing so you can flash the audience. I hear they pay extra for that.

Now I don't know if I am a Christian, cause I do some pretty unChristian like things. But most Christians I know are pretty cool. So I'm not calling you all idiots, cause that would make me an idiot for grouping you all in one group. I'm calling those that hide behind God (whoever they think God is) and do mean and damaging things to others who are innocent, because they think they have God on their side. My belief God doesn't take sides.

Let me give you a little hint from a sinner. It doesn't matter what you call him/her as long try every day to be the best person that you can be and try and make this world a better place, even if the best you can do is smile at a stranger or start up a conversation with an elderly person in line at the grocery store.

And you don't go around humming Cat Scratch Fever.

Trans Canada Neighborhood Rabbit Highway

Man Kind which is kind of a funny term, since "man" hasn't been the"kindest" to both each other and animals, has begun to learn in the past 100 years or so that we don't own the earth. I mean not everyone agrees with this idea, there are a few groups out there that think God created the earth for them to use and abuse as they wish. Because it is easier to group them all together then name them all and it seems in today's society grouping people together is a bit of a fad in this story we will call them idiots. Us who aren't idiots understand that we need to as they say "take only pictures and leave only footprints". When we travel to the wilderness we need to remember we go there because it is wild and scary and is full of big and small furry animals.
While the big scary animals can cause you more body trauma, do not take lightly what small rodents can do to you. As in chew through baggies and eat your nuts, your cadbury candy bar and other assorted foods that will drive to tossing small pebbles and cursing their rodent ancestry. Do not worry that these curses will drive rodents such as the lemmings to suicide, since we all know that lemmings are not suicidal though they were portrayed that way in a 1957 Walt Disney Film. Sure it is totally OK to make mice out as your friend but when it comes to a cute little furry lemming he makes them out to be some furry suicidal terrorist. It's because lemmings are Canadian I am sure of it.

I digress as you can see in the above pictures you see the same trail with first a guy and his dog walking on the trail and soon after a bear and her cub. These photos were taken by a remote controlled camera so don't worry that anyone died in the taking of those pictures. What is shows is man and animal need to live together to survive. Or that man better learn to walk really fast so that bear doesn't catch up with him.

I trying to not belong to the group we have labeled the idiots found these tracks outside my house this past week. As you can see by the pictures, it is a trail or as I like to call it the trans Canada neighborhood rabbit highway. These rabbits probably for hundreds of years have traveled this same path to somewhere else. I am not sure where they are now traveling too unless it is the local 7-11 and even though the Canadians are a liberal bunch I doubt if they serve rabbits. Unless it is for dinner.

But this is their trail. I have heard stories about how grizzlies take certain trails to get to their water supply or to traverse a hillside. If there is anything that falls on that path they will move it out of the way. This unfortunately happened to a couple who decided to put their tent on one of the trails and well we all know how that ended.

So I now have this trail in front of my house. My fears are the they casing the joint, I mean is it a herd or gang of jack rabbits who are doing hop bys? As you can see by one of the pictures I have evidence that at least one rabbit hopped by my dogs window and taunted Stella. Oh sure when I told the police they didn't take me seriously and started asking me a bunch of questions about when my visa was up, but I am sure they were just joking with me, cause you know Canadians are a pretty funny group.

But I worry. What if I am walking to my car at the same time as these so called furry and friendly rabbits are coming through. Should I run? Should I fall down on the ground and play dead? If I run should I climb up a tree or are these rabbits that can climb trees and with their sharp little teeth take me out? Should I see a therapist about changing my meds?


Here is a picture of someone who didn't
take rabbits seriously:

These are serious questions that I will continue to worry about and investigate. Some of you might be laughing now but some morning you too will wake up and find yourself faced with the dilemma - am I an idiot or not?

I would like you to meet my hair stylist

For those of you who are moving to a new country there a few things that you need to find almost immediately so that your world doesn't come crashing down around you. First one is find your local Starbucks. Usually this isn't hard to find, if you stand on any street corner for any length of time one will pop up within days of your arrival. And by standing on the street corner you will most likely get some change since you will have not bathed and people will feel sorry for you. You will get more money if you have dog, but you will get the most money if you have a circus troop of dancing lemmings, but that is a whole other story that I don't want to get into since it makes me upset.

So far hopefully you have found a Starbucks and now are hyped up on a triple shot dry non fat latte with two equals. In the eighties we found that getting a gram of coke worked about the same, but hey that was 20 years ago and things are different now. If you are hanging at a Tim Hortons I believe that would be a "double double" I think personally saying "double squared" would be funnier but, ya don't make fun of Tim Hortons up here or the queen. Now you can be a queen who hangs at Tim Hortons, but don't make fun of "THE QUEEN". All right now that we got that straightened out (unless you are a queen and then we don't want you straightened out OK?)

Once you are settled you need to find yourself a hair stylist - please do not refer to them as "hair dressers" cause they have scissors. Same way that you aren't supposed to call Flight Attendents Airline Stewardess. Cause they have the serving cart and you won't get peanuts or some how when your drink is served to you the plane will hit a pocket of turbulence and your drink with ice will be in your lap. Do you all understand these people have POWER. So mind your p's and q's - personally I think we should be watching out for the X, Y's and Z's since they seem kind of like a gang and could totally take out the LMNOP's cause they are a bunch of babies.

Right, off track again, so back to the hair stylist. My hair stylist is named Tara. That's it just "Tara". I get totally confused if it sounds like Tara in Gone with The Wind Tara, or just Tara. Since I can't ever remember (I have a few memories issues from the eighties OK? Just get off my back about it) I call her "T" . And that is one of the first lessons you need to learn if you are looking for a stylist is they have to be totally cool. As in she only uses her frigging first name. Like Cher or Charo or Fabio (who has great hair by the way) or Bugs or Toto, see these are all big name recognition people and so she has to be totally hip right? But I wouldn't go to Fabio for a haircut since he hasn't changed his hair since the 80's.

Of course there is that whole issue about restraining orders and if you had her last name and she gave you a totally shitty haircut you could like drive by and throw eggs and call her a hair dresser. I prefer to think that she is over the top cool.

There are other things you need to look for when you choose a hair stylist. This is a partial list and I am sure you can add more.

1. If she has like a lot of blood around her station, bad sign
2. Really this is most important - if she has a mullet - really not good - scary
3. If she uses her scissors in a stabbing motion, run
4. If her favorite film is Fatal Attraction, don't let her play with your rabbit or lemming
5. If she has just come back from some hair stylist fashion show and wants to try a "new cut " on you, politely say no that you don't think your friends would appreciate you looking like a peacock.
6. Oh yeah and most important thing you need in a stylist is - she has to be
   thinner
   cuter
   and have nicer hair
   so you can really want to be like her really bad, but no you will never be as cute as she is so you will probably hate her a bit, but that it totally OK because see your relationship with your hair stylist is truly a love hate relationship. I mean if she had less teeth then you, her hair looked like a nest for hibernating lemmings and she wasn't cute, I mean why would you go to her? But you know what the cool revenge is? See they have to be cute and they have to stand on their feet all day, but to be totally cool they have to wear like the latest fashions which include incredibly painful high heel shoes, so I mean of course that is one thing that makes me feel better.

Soon after moving to Regina I went to "only first name cool Tara" and well see here is the picture.

See what I mean? Like without a doubt someone you would love to hate. Am I right? Not hate like if I saw her on the street I would spit at her and say a pox on you and your family. But more of a friendly hate, like hey do you want to have a cup of coffee and then order it for her and ask for them to put in cream instead of non fat milk in her latte kind of hate.

Warning, this is most important, never ever let on that you may feel like this, since if you ever do, you might here an "oops, I am so sorry" and the back of your head looks like it was attacked by lemmings with really sharp teeth and there ain't a damn thing you can do but you know cut the tip in half or something really harsh.

So those are my helpful tips on how to find and maintain a relationship with your stylist.

Saskatchewan loses 10,000 young people a year

That is a statistic I read in the Prairie Dog Newspaper. Which is a great newspaper if you are from Seattle it would be like reading the Stranger or the Seattle Weekly. So there seems to be this huge brain drain on this province. What the "spin" is, is that they are all "moving" to the province called Texas of the North which is directly west of us. We will call that the province that won't be named who is run by a ruler named Ralph he looks something like this :


Man the guy must spend a shitload on contacts for that one eye. Cause you know you can't just buy one contact so even though he just needs one he has to buy two at a time. No wonder why he is so off the deep end with anger and just plain greediness.

Since I do have an enourmous amount of time on my hands I have been doing some research into these so called "migration" of Saskatchewan youth to the province that shall not be named. In the same way I blew the cover off the story of suicidal lemmings and stupid pedestrians I shall also do the same for this story.

We all know that the province that shall not be named is a "have" province. This term for those of you who are didn't know means a province that has like a whole bunch of natural reserves of stuff that the United States really, really wants and so they sell the stuff to the United States and make tons of money off them, expect for the tariff on the Softwood market and we won't even go there cause that just really irritates both sides, almost enough to have the U.S. send Dick Cheney north for a so called "bird hunting trip". So the "have" province's are British Columbia cause they make lots of films up there and pretend they are in Seattle or LA or other places but without the palm trees and Pamela Anderson was born there. You have the province that shall not be named ruled by Ralph the great overlord of stuff and they have lots and lots of oil and natural gas. Then there is Saskatchewan and they have some oil, some natural gas and uranium. Oh yeah isn't that exciting? Yep we have the biggest deposit of uranium in the world. And since we have that here every thinks that all the nuclear waste should also be stored here. And while we are at it why don't we just go and build ourselves a Nuclear Power Plant. So we can power all the homes that aren't being lived in because everyone is moving west.

Then there is Manitoba and they make like a gazzilion moccasins.

And there are a bunch of province's east of here but they don't much matter. They speak french and have film festivals and have little bitty islands where they talk with an accent and really know how to sing up a song or two and I hear are quite funny.

Now that I have given you an overview of Canada let me tell you what is really happening to those 10,000 saskatchewans every year. Do you really think they are moving or do you think that maybe they are being snatched away in the middle of the night and being forced into slave labour working in the oil fields and sadly having to live in these overcrowded conditions :


Where many work for companies who are sucking the oil out of these oil sands in the northern part of the province that shall not be named.











What can one person do to stop this insanity? Well I figure if we got one or two really short people, a wizard and some elves or something it shouldn't be too hard to kick old Ralph's ass.

But whatever we do, don't you feel we need to save these young people from a life wearing horizontal stripes that make their hips look wider then need be?

And really Dick, is shooting birds with really little wings really necessary?

Temperature right now - 29 with a wind chill of -47

In case you didn't know, Canada uses the Celsius system to record temperatures in their country. Moving to Canada one of the more difficult things for me to figure out other then the loonie and the toonie was how to gage the temperatures. When it was summer not really a problem. Guestimation worked great. If it was in the 20's - good, in the low 30's not so good, in the upper 30's global warming.

With the winter weather I had to come up with my own conversion chart to simplify my life. And I thought I would share this with you.
Canadian Celsius = o degrees
Fahrenheit = 32 degrees
Temps by Claudia = You don't need a toque (in English we call them hats) but best to carry one in your car, but don't wear it in the car because then you look like you are from Quebec and I guess that sucks

Canadian Celsius - 10
Fahrenheit 14 degrees
Temps by Claudia - Best be wearing that Toque and your gloves, still can stick tongue to metal without losing skin and sounding like Jerry Lewis. People are still jogging - like outside - these are silly people.

Canadian Celsius -17.7778 degrees
Fahrenheit - ZERO
Temps by Claudia -You will lose part of your tongue and lips if you accidentally slam your face against a metal pole or put a metal clip for a gate in your mouth. Everyone around you will laugh at you like Jerry Lewis - fuck them

Canadian Celsius -25 degrees
Fahrenheit -13 degrees
Temps by Claudia - SNOT FREEZING COLD. You don't need to blow your nose, best to just chip the snot out of your nose at this temp. If you have a cold, well then you got snot icicles. Or as I like to call them snotcicles. You best be plugging your car in at night and more importantly unplugging it in the morning or you will be driving down the road with an extension cord behind you like some freaking tail, and people will be laughing at you like Jerry Lewis - fucking sick Canadian sense of humour.

Canadian Celsius -40 below
Fahrenheit - 40 below
Temps by Claudia - BINGO did you know that at this temperature on both charts it is equally as cold. At this temperature who really cares, you know? At this temperature your skin freezes and breaks off about the same. At this temp if you were either on a) part of the Donner Pass party or b) with a South American Soccer Team who had a pilot that sucked and deserved to be munched on you would have very little issue with throwing Johnny on the Barbie for din din.

Canadian Celsius -47 below
Fahrenheit -52 below
Temps by Claudia- Somewhere between zero and this temperature your sense of humour freezes and you begin to find Jerry Lewis mildly amusing. At this temp. breathing isn't such a good idea cause you can cause frostbite to your lungs, how in the hell do Canadians have a sense of humour when you can freaking frostbite your lungs? How does breathing in this cold feel? - think of the biggest bong hit you ever took and how you choked and gagged and then you realized that the Pink Floyd The Animals Albums was like genius. It's like that but without
that Pink Floyd thing.

If you are worried about how the little sparrows survive in this cold, I saw this in my backyard this morning.

If you are going to live in Canada these are important tips

Having lived here since September 1st I believe now have enough knowledge to provide anyone who wants to live here or visit here valuable tips on how to fit in with the natives. Canadians are the nation of really polite people and on the whole they put an upbeat spin on most things that am still trying to understand. While watching the Olympics on CBC, they will show every Canadian no matter what place they came in. Even if it was 35 they are shown on TV and the announcer will say, it's a young team and they are here just for the experience, wait until the Vancouver games we will see a lot of metals from these wonderful young athletes. Now that is just plain cool. These kids are excited if they make in the top 20 and everyone cheers them on. Where the polite thing comes in is the Women's Canadian Hockey team in their first two games kicked some major ass. Like 16 to 0 vs. Italy and I think 12 to 0 vs Russia. I was impressed first because I was even watching a hockey game and two that they kicked ass. But there were many emails sent into CBC complaining that it was unsportsmanlike to win by that many points, especially against the host cities team. http://www.cbc.ca/olympics/sports/icehockey/stories
Now that is what I am talking about when I say they are nice up here and didn't they look like a bunch of fuzzy little red and white baby seals in their outfits when they walked in on opening ceremonies, minus the flippers and well I'm sorry a baby seal's eyes are much cuter, wouldn't you agree? Plus baby seals are helpless, not like those really mean Women Hockey Players eyes.















Other things I've learned why living up here is Regina is murder capital of Canada. I think this is wrong since Canada doesn't have capitals like the United States so how could it be the capital. When I ask people about this, they go tsk, tsk, (they do that up here) and say it isn't as bad as it sounds. See it's based on number of murders per capita. For those of you who are as confused as I was, it's not like there are more murders then let's say Toronto or Vancouver there are just fewer people here, but the ones that are here like to kill more. See? doesn't that make sense. Anyway I am told they are mostly done with knives (that's why drive by killings are so rare you would have to have a pretty big knife and good aim to throw a knife and take someone out, but be worried if you step outside your house and there are 30 to 40 steak knives peppering the outside wall of your house) and most people are killed by friends and relatives, which means I am pretty much safe from ever being murdered here in Regina.

Another big thing you need to know is how to buy things for BONUS AIR MILES. Oh this is a big deal up here. Especially with paper products. Ok here is the deal. You have to get an airline bonus mile card. Then when you shop at certain places you get air miles depending on how much you buy. But when you go grocery shopping at Safeway you can get SOMETIMES 30 TO 40 BONUS AIRMILES if you buy about 48 rolls of toilet paper or 18 rolls of paper towels. Do not ask me why this fetish with paper products, but trust me on this, you could go to anyones house up here and I swear they must use the crap for insulation or something, because even if you were a slob or had anal leakage there is no way in hell you could use up the paper products as fast as they want you too.

If you want to blame someone on the rainforests being cut down, blame it on the BONUS AIR MILES

A President who wants to build bridges

Oh scratch that, this president, old George W, wants to build fences. Lots of fences. His vision for America includes looking across our borders through fences and I doubt if they are the white picket fences that are a sign of a happy middle class. I'm thinking more along the lines of something in cold metal and galvanized. Being from Washington State I occasionally watch the local news just to see mostly how many days it has rained and how many people's homes who live on flood plains are once again being flooded. When the Real Estate agent said "water front" property they maybe should have listened a bit closer to what that actually meant. While watching floods and mudslides on the news there was an ad from this republican politician who is running for senator and this is a direct quote from his ad:

I’m Mike McGavick, and I’m running for the United States Senate because we need to bring back that kind of common sense, that kind of problem solving to our national government.
You know the issues that face us are big, there’s no question. We have a war on terror that’s as near as the Canadian border.

Well that shocked that me as it probably does you. Because since moving to Regina, I am sorry but I have yet to see one terrorist just walking down the street. Let's be real here, their idea of doing a drive by (in US language that means shooting someone up usually by their house or the corner they hang at) is to drive by someones house and say something under their breath about how they wish they would shovel their sidewalk, mow their lawn more often or why do they think it is ok to park in front of my house why aren't they parking in front of their house? So the realization that terrorists are lurking out there in the prairie has given the willies.

Yeah those Canadian terrorists hate them. Let's see how many were there on those planes on 9-11? Um... Well we had a bunch of Saudis that had entered the States legally, went to school, learned to fly commercial jets. Hold on maybe I am missing something, but honestly no matter how figure it, not one Canadian was a terrorist on those planes. But really it is important to plan ahead and obviously if I was running for office the first country I would be frightened of is those overly aggressive pot smoking, giving homosexual rights, liberal freaking Canadians. So yeah I think building a fence is a damned good idea, though I really, really feel sorry for whoever has the job of building the fence over the Rockies or through Lake Superior, now that would suck.

To help put this in a historical context let's all go back in time and look the countries that were successful with building fences, or walls. China was one of the first to come up with protecting their country with a wall. Not being so up on that history I would think that you could have one group of invaders down the way a bit waving their arms and going pssssst over here, while the other group a mile away jumped up over the wall and promptly got lost cause let's face it China is Big. Did it work? Well if you think about it increasing the tourist industry hell yes it worked. Did it work letting the other countries know what the border between the two countries were, well damn hard to miss a freaking wall, so yes I would agree. Did it stop invaders? It they weren't looking where they were going and ran full tilt into it. Well yes I am sure it worked. This wall was created to keep others out where as this other wall was to keep people in:

The Berlin Wall, by some said that when created it when we could say the cold war started. It stood for 27 years and did a pretty good job of not keeping people out as much as keeping people in.
Now I am not in a place to tell George Bush what to do, since I live in Regina SK and he probably couldn't say it (cause it would be against his religious beliefs) spell it or know where it is, but if I was I would say out of the two walls, this one here would be my best bet for the border between Canada and the United States. Let's face it everyone. If you were a Canadian would you really want to move to a country where they are doing illegal wire tapping? Would you want to move there because they don't allow you to smoke pot? Um would you move there because you were gay and they are oh so friendly to homosexuals getting married? Would you go there to see Disneyland? OK that was a trick question, cause the only other place you could go is France and I hear that Mickey with French accent reminds a lot of people of Peppy Le Pew who was a sexually harassing, predatory, stalking skunk and that bastard gave me nightmares growing up. I mean dude, leave the freaking cat alone OK? She doesn't like you, doesn't want to hang with you and you creep her out and dude, maybe she just isn't into skunks, ever thought of that ya freak?


So let's review, Great Wall of China, great for tourism, tried to keep people out.

Berlin Wall, not so great for tourism, but pretty damn good at keeping people in.

Peppy Le Pew - a perv

Therefore if people really didn't want to come to your country (like Canadians) but people from the US would love to come to Canada (the home of Art Linkletter and William Shatner) and if you liked Curling and Hockey and Shinny and stuff that involved cold weather and snow then maybe they are building these fences to keep you folks from the United States in? Cause let's face it once you leave the US you are really high on every-ones shit list except for those overly aggressive, liberal Danes who lucky for US knocked them off number one on the Muslim Top 40 we hate the holy shit out of you guys list.

So you all have a nice day unless you are a Danish Cartoonist and then I would suggest to stay indoors.

Trolling for Trolls

Generally I don't usually write about mythical creatures in my Blog. Like why write about some hairy scary thing that lives underneath a bridge when there is so much other stuff to talk about living here in Canada? But I seem to have been blessed with my own personal troll and I want you to know it was free! I didn't have to pay this site to have one attack me. Nope it just showed up by itself of it's own accord. Yes you are saying to yourself, you are one lucky dog aren't you Claudia and I must agree, because without mean little evil creatures most stories would be lackluster and bore a child to death. Examples of stories that would go no where without a troll:
Billy Goat's Gruff - no story cause no troll to have to kick off the bridge
Rumpelstiltskin -No short little evil guy named Rumps, no story just another story about a young girl marrying an older man you could rename it the Anna Nicole Smith story
Wizard of Oz - come on the best part of the story was flying monkey's (close relation to trolls) and munchkins so without them who really cares about Dorothy and Toto?
Lord of The Rings - BORING without trolls

So as you can see any good story needs to have a nemesis and well a blog that doesn't create controversy is not doing it's job. I am just sorry that I only have one troll. I will have to work harder to gather more who will raise up their little arms with rage at me.

Why do I call this person who writes mean things to me troll? Because for those of you who don't know, in today's language a troll is someone on the internet who hops from one site to another causing discourse and discontent because well they are short and hairy and live under bridges. There are exceptions
These trolls obviously shave:













There are trolls that I grew up with, well I didn't actually grow up with them because they stayed the same size. And want you to know, never take them to school without clothes because man the kids in 2nd grade can be cruel and scream, trolls are supposed to have clothes! And laugh at ya. So I just combed the hair down around their private parts and pretended it was a new fad. Embarrassing hell yes. I blame my mother for not giving the FYI about trolls having clothes. At home they were more comfortable hanging out naked, how was I supposed to know that they wore little polyester pant suits.











And as you all know this is the only troll that is currently in public office. I was told by friends, ignore the troll, don't give them power, that will just egg them on. You all are probably right. But it is my Blog and how often do I get the opportunity to call Donald Rumsfeld a troll?















So to you, troll where ever you may be, you are in fine company.

Snow Mobiling

Being from Washington I am well aware of snow mobile enthusiasts, we have many people who enjoy the great outdoors through riding these machines. You can count on that at least one to two people will die each year because they choose to drive their snow mobile up the side of a mountain - where I come from we call the avalanche chutes and for some crazy reason they go straight up it, with a friend filming it because who knows they might start an avalanche and then their footage will be on the Stupidest People of the World TV show.

Crazy isn't it? Yeah drive your vehicle on top of thousands of pounds of wet snow and it shifts and wallah (as they say in Harry Potter) you get swept away and sometimes die. Now this is in no way slamming those who ride safely and responsibility. This is for the few who, well how do I put this politely, shouldn't be reproducing.

This I found on a website for snowmobiling. I have high lighted the parts that give me concern.

Make It A Safe Ride…
Obey speed limits and road/trail signs and always drive within your ability. Reduce your speed when driving at night and watch out for fences, guide wires and other objects that are more difficult to spot at night.

Avoid driving on frozen lakes and rivers. If it can't be avoided, check ice conditions beforehand. Wear a buoyant snowmobile suit. Carry ice picks and make sure they are accessible.

Alright let's start with the first one. If you are riding on a "snow mobile trail" I really doubt that some one for a joke is going to put up a fence or barbed wire just to mess with you. So if you need to be watching out for those things, then I bet ya, just bet ya that you aren't riding on the roads or trails meant for snowmobiling. I haven't done much cross country skiing but what I do know is there ain't any fences or nasty barbed wire on the trails.

Next one - Avoid driving on frozen lakes and river. Is this just me or is this just a no brainer? It's one thing to walk out onto a frozen lake with just your own body weight, but to go out on something that weighs like a lot is kind of silly don't you think? Ok let me put it this way, if you walk out on the ice by yourself and you hear cracking you would know to just get the hell out of Dodge, but how do you hear the cracking of ice when you have your legs wrapped around an engine on skis? Doesn't that once again go against having a "safe ride".

Ah now the last one. Wear a buoyant suit and carry ice picks. Alright I know I am from the Northwest and have a lot to learn about living in the north, but in school, did you all never hear about don't run with scissors? I mean that was planted in our little head from an early age even though the scissors they gave us had rounded ends and you couldn't cut paper with the pitiful things so we ended up using our teeth, but beyond that, we still never ran with scissors. Pencils yes, scissors no. Cause we always heard, oh (insert whatever is dangerous here) that's funny until some one gets hurt and then I always wanted to add - then it's hysterical. But really do you think that driving at 100 khm an hour, on a frozen I mean big frozen ass lake with frigging ice picks in your hands is like a safe ride? Are you all just crazy or is it just me?

Did you not see Basic Instinct? Do you not know what can happen to you if you were riding with Sharon Stone and you cut her off on the trail? You would be so chopped up. Yes, yes I know it was never proved in the movie that she was the killer but she sure knew how to use an ice pick. I myself use ice trays, just seems simpler.


Do I have a witty conclusion to this post? Nope I don't. But I feel much better having shared my feelings about this and no, the trauma caused to me by seeing Titanic 10 times and hearing the love song by Celine Dion for over 6 months has nothing to do with open water and ice.

The True story behind Brokeback Mountain

Sure there has been a lot of hype about this "gay cowboy" movie. All sorts of guys who used to wear cowboy boots and leather chaps without pants are now in an uproar because they are saying that no cowboy in their right mind would be gay, that just isn't normal. If the Marlboro Man hadn't died of lung cancer I am positive that he would have had a fit. Probably a coughing fit, but a fit.

Well my friends I have the scoop about what the story was originally about and how it was changed so as to be more "Hollywood". Oh yeah you think that the story when written some years ago was about two young cowboys in the early 60's who fall in love played by these two actors:

But do you want to know the real truth? Hell yes I hear you yelling from around the world. Or have I forgotten to take my meds again? From digging through the myth and hype around cowboys and sheep and how it relates to Brokeback Mountain I found out that the character that played opposite Heath Ledger wasn't Jake Gy.......... (his name is really hard to spell) but was....

Yep that's right though exhaustive and boredom I found that Heath was supposed to fall in love with Dolly the sheep. But due to concerns in Hollywood about would people go to a movie about this love affair they changed it to two gay men. Really other then sheep who would go see this movie?

And the original name for the movie - Brokebaaaaaacccck Mountain

Stay tuned ladies and gents as I continue to keep you up to date on the latest and greatest cutting edge news that happens right here in Regina.